Albert Einstein: So, using only a notebook and a pencil you proved the previous two thousand years of physics was completely wrong by a tiny tiny unmeasurable bit? How does it feel to be famous for being a nit-picking prig? I’d treat Einstein with more reverence if he’d come up with a theory that I COULD USE. Sure, it is helpful knowing that I lost a quadrillionth of a second in a life time of riding the train but I think that the fidget spinner has more relevance in my life. I have a message from Isaac Newton: He says, “Kiss my ass, father of relativity”…
Ben Affleck: Despite the fact that he looks like a shell-shocked unshaven blind man in every role he gets, Ben Afflick still not only finds work but the public still steadfastly refuses to corner him in an alley and beat him to death with hammers. This man must be stopped before he ruins a third beloved comic book character. Affleck’s only real accomplishment is that he was in a suspect relationship with Matt Damon, who is a national treasure.
Ponce De Leon: He has two claims to fame: He was looking for magic water that made you live forever; and, he “discovered” Florida, the crappiest of all fifty states… and YES… I AM aware of Utah.
Beatrix Potter:Why the HELL is she famous? She wrote a story about a rabbit who sneaks into a garden and loses his new coat. This is a PLOT? Samuel Beckett coughed up better plots than that into a napkin before he got out of bed to continue with his miserable life. What is every child thinking after hearing the tale of Peter Rabbit? “And?…”
Bill Gates: A man who is famous for inventing something Apple released two years before. Sure, he’s got a bad haircut and gives to charity, but, so does Don King.
J K Rowling: A single mother gets rich by regurgitating the plot of every fantasy novel written since The Lord of the Rings. Why couldn’t she have just played the lottery like the other single moms? Now we have Daniel Radcliffe to contend with and he ISN’T going away without a fight.
Roy Orbison: He knows why.
Martha Stewart:The entire premise of The Odd Couple is that no one wants to live with an anal retentive obsessive-compulsive neat freak; however, millions of American women strive to be just like her. Sure, she’s got street cred after spending some time in the can, but in the end she’s just the cold distant aunt who beats your cousins with a wire hanger if the napkin swans are not identical.
Justin Bieber: Everyone talking about music throws a hate-comment at Justin Bieber. I’d like to defend the kid, but who am I to go up against everyone? Frankly, those odds would be pretty dismal…
Jane Goodall: A crazy hermit spends years spying on chimpanzees and she’s spoken of in the same sentences as Marie Curie… who spent her career spying on radium. The big difference between the two: You’ll never get a watch face to glow in the dark no matter how much powdered chimp you paint on it…