Ways I’d Like to Die

  1. Being shot out of a cannon and into a second cannon.
  2. While trying to teach a grizzly bear the ways of physical love
  3. Lynched by a mob of angry Laurel and Hardy impersonators. An example of a “senseless crime”…
  4. I want to be dropped from a plane while skydiving but my chute doesn’t open. Frantically, I try to open my reserve chute and eventually, it opens. Gently, down I drift into the helicopter blades below me.
  5. I want to be shot to death by a jealous husband while in bed with his wife. Specifically, that husband should be the husband of Salma Hayak
  6. I want to choke on a guinea pig who is, ironically enough, choking on a sunflower seed…
  7. I want to die with explosives strapped to my body, running into a crowd of Bojack Horseman fans.
  8. I want to die doing what I do best; unfortunately, the thing I’ve been doing the longest is being alive. I’ll have to think about this.
  9. I want to be stabbed by someone who is being stabbed by someone who is singing the theme to Love Story.
  10. I want to be stalked by wolves, but, before the wolves can get to me, a mountain lion charges out of the shadows and shoots me…

3 thoughts on “Ways I’d Like to Die

  1. Posted on November 20, 2017, yet I’m the first to ‘like’ this? The bushel under which you’re hiding your light must be behind another bushel that’s roughly the size of Mt. Everest, I fear.


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