Ways I’d Like to Die

  1. Being shot out of a cannon and into a second cannon.
  2. While trying to teach a grizzly bear the ways of physical love
  3. Lynched by a mob of angry Laurel and Hardy impersonators. An example of a “senseless crime”…
  4. I want to be dropped from a plane while skydiving but my chute doesn’t open. Frantically, I try to open my reserve chute and eventually, it opens. Gently, down I drift into the helicopter blades below me.
  5. I want to be shot to death by a jealous husband while in bed with his wife. Specifically, that husband should be the husband of Salma Hayak
  6. I want to choke on a guinea pig who is, ironically enough, choking on a sunflower seed…
  7. I want to die with explosives strapped to my body, running into a crowd of Bojack Horseman fans.
  8. I want to die doing what I do best; unfortunately, the thing I’ve been doing the longest is being alive. I’ll have to think about this.
  9. I want to be stabbed by someone who is being stabbed by someone who is singing the theme to Love Story.
  10. I want to be stalked by wolves, but, before the wolves can get to me, a mountain lion charges out of the shadows and shoots me…

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