Random Thoughts

  1. If any vegetable deserved super-hero status, it would be cabbage. Problem is, what would its public identity be? Beets? Don’t make me laugh…
  2. Scientists have found a way to engineer a beef substitute out of soya beans, anise and wood cellulose. Now, they are frantically working on a way to genetically engineer a person stupid enough to eat it.
  3. Imagine the most beautiful flower you’ve ever seen. Now, double it. Divide it by the last three situation comedies to feature George Lopez. Is your answer eleven? I knew it wasn’t…
  4. Satan’s greatest achievement was to convince the world that his biggest achievement was convincing people he didn’t exist. His second biggest achievement? Oddly enough, Windex…
  5. Steven Segal hasn’t been the same since I “got his nose” at a party once and then forgot to give it back. I’d gladly return it, but I don’t get out to Russia that often.
  6. The most dangerous animal that tastes good as a sandwich is the Snow Leopard…
  7. I have to assume that my doctor is exaggerating when he says that I’m in the worst shape of anyone he’s ever seen. Hasn’t he ever been to a funeral?
  8. I’d love for the word “jackanapes” to be used more often on television and in print; however, those rascals and ne’er do wells in the media refuse…
  9. I’d like to own a dog and name it “Pleasant” so that when people came over and said, “What’s your dog’s name” and I’d say, “Pleasant” and they’d be like, “That’s a pretty swell name” and then we’d probably get high…
  10. Fiona Apple is kind of stuck up. I have to wonder how many of her dogs I need to kidnap before she’ll start answering my letters. Because I’ve got five of them now and I’m spending most of my grocery money on kibble…

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