Rejected Christmas Shows…

  • Charlie Brown’s Hanukkah: Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt spend the weekend arguing about Linus’ use of Charlie Brown in his stand-up routine. Later, they come to terms with their homosexuality, once in the kitchen, then twice more the next day in the living room…

 

  • How the Grinch Escalated the War on Christmas: The Grinch, voiced by Samuel L. Jackson, breaks into the houses of the Whos on Christmas eve, until a gun-owning Who (who owned WAY more than two) shoots him dead in self-defense. Then, the Whos hold hands and sing the first two pages of the Turner Diaries…

 

  • Frosty the Snowman: A cocaine-dealer uses too much of his own supply, marches through town and convinces some children to follow him to the North Pole. Lovingly voiced by Andy Dick…

 

  • Miracle on Fifth Avenue: Macy’s uses a transsexual Santa Claus (Caitlyn Jenner) as a publicity gimmick but the money-making scheme falters when it turns into a court battle over whether or not a transgender can be considered Mr. Santa Claus. The postal service saves the day when they wound the District Attorney during an unrelated shooting spree within the courtroom.

 

  • The Walton’s Alt-right Christmas: Same characters as in the beloved series but along with Jim Bob, John Boy and Mary Ellen, there is also cousin Sarah Frank, magnificently played by Melissa McCarthy. During Christmas dinner, someone brings up the topic of abortion. An argument ensues and Jim Bob shoots three family members in the stomach and runs away to sulk in his fallout shelter. Later, as they stand outside of Jim Bob’s holding cell, they all come to understand that the real meaning of Christmas is the second amendment.

 

  • It’s an Acceptable Life: Despondent George Bailey tries to take his own life by leaping into a frozen river, but an angel appears to him and shows him that, if he’d never existed, life would’ve pretty much been the same for everybody. Later, he shows George that his wife is having an affair with three different men (three of the same men would be called “triplets”). He resolves not to die and continue living the lie, if only to make his wife’s life miserable…

 

  • Rudolph, the Red-knowing Reindeer: Rudolph has parleyed one evening of heroics into a successful political career but his aspiration to replace Santa is thwarted by the fact that he has no opposable thumbs. He decides, instead, to prosecute Santa as a communist along with Herbie, the Dentist, whose homosexuality he has not yet come to terms with. Will Santa be exiled to the Island of Misfit Toys?

 

  • Fat Albert’s Very Special Christmas: The gang is all psyched up for Christmas cheer; but, they learn the true meaning of the season when they have to pool their gift money together to bail Bill out of jail for drugging and raping his date.

 

  • Big Bang Theory Christmas: The boys come to terms with their own homosexuality. Penny, Bernadette and Amy take it in stride and have a threesome with an overweight, balding humorist who tends to gravitate towards lists…

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