The Case for National Brothelism

Recently, I read an article about a British woman who, because of her great weight (mid 300’s), was being paid by men to be crushed under her bulk. The article begins with a brief description of her failed marriage, followed by an overview of how one becomes a professional man-crusher.  It was a stirring tale of one woman’s rise into the middle class by lowering herself gingerly upon prone businessmen.

She understood the important adage: Why buy the cow when you can get her to lie down on you for free? Although, “Take Your Child to Work Day” will probably be an uncomfortable experience for her and her son…Maybe not, thanks to the recent children’s book, Timmy Has Two Mommies Who Crush Men With Their Bodies. It is one in the “Why Won’t Timmy Stop Screaming?” series of books (My favorite is Why is Daddy’s Head in the Toilet?).

The woman’s ex-husband either did not want to be crushed by her; or, he had always been too embarrassed to ask her. Maybe he was repulsed by her weight; or, maybe he was so turned on by it that he climaxed the moment that they made eye-contact. I’m not sure. But, the woman found herself a single mother in a run-down house, with her only employment prospect being cashier at a grocery store. So, the woman took matters into her own hands and ADVERTISED.

What this article shows is that there is a niche for anyone…except those fat German guys who wear diapers and lie in cribs. Let’s face it, that isn’t on ANY woman’s wish list for sexual partner. Changing diapers and listening to mewling is supposed to happen nine months AFTER sex occurs. This is precisely the reason why my script for the erotic movie, Senator Kinch Makes a Boom-boom was never picked up by any of the larger studios.

But for everyone else, there has GOT to be someone of the same or opposite sex that would PAY big money to have sex with you. If you are bald, hairy, an amputee, have an extra limb, stigmata…even if you are HIV POSITIVE! Sell yourself! How else can we make that transition to a service economy? How else can we fill the gaps left from technical jobs being exported overseas? We need to become a nation of whores…a cross-linked network of prostitutes, each buying or selling sex, depending upon how soon the rent is due. National Brothelism!

Plus, we’ll be increasing, exponentially, the number of prostitutes in America. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Consider the current crop of hookers and gigolos: Drawn faces, rotten teeth and no pride in their work. We could usher in an era of sexual craftsmen. No more haggling with pimps for a half hour with a skinny pale thing with more holes in her arms than a porcupine wrestler. You could simply scan the sidewalks for someone that looked good, walk up and haggle.

Eventually, due to rising labor costs, every job will have to go overseas. Why should any businessman pay for American labor, when he can get cheap foreign labor at one tenth of the price? So, in the end, everyone in the United States will be a whore and EVERYONE will be making BIG money…at least those who know how to market themselves. Obviously, there will be people unclear on concept and they will, unfortunately, be left behind. We could provide services for these indigents; but, all the people capable of running programs like that would be servicing stag parties or escorting ninety-year old women to Yo Yo Ma concerts. Perhaps these poor people could join a monastary. I’m expecting a surge in monastery construction should my plan be implemented.

Eventually, even the trade deficit would lessen. The entire world would vacation here…because EVERYBODY wants to FUCK an American. And, who can blame them? We’re clean, trendy and we love money to the point that we’ll do anything for it. In short, we are a very VERY motivated work force. A lot of old wounds could be healed through controlled sexual abuse. A Japanese businessman could walk away from a transaction feeling satisfied that he’s gotten just a little revenge for the bombing of Hiroshima; his hooker, a little shaken, barely stirred, would be three hundred dollars richer.

Now, spousal abuse occurs all the time in this country, despite the presence of Steven Segal and Chuck Norris. With National Brothelism, physical abuse might still occur, but IT WOULD COST EXTRA! It is as Marx stated, “From each according to his ability; to each according to how beaten up they are” Not only will the violent pay for their crimes of assault and battery, they will pay all associated sales taxes as well. Spousal abuse will still be a crime, but it will be a sexual crime, which means even longer sentences.

Speaking of marriage, how would it fare in this scenario? How is it faring now? If it is not dead as an institution, it is clearly dying; in fact, many states are giving a free Ipod to couples that have stayed married as long as eight months. But, let’s assume that marriage is alive and well. National Brothelism will STRENGTHEN marriage. No more wondering who your spouse is sleeping with…it’ll all be on your 1040 Schedule C form, IF you are filing jointly. And, since gifts cannot be taxed until ten thousand dollars, your spouse can provide you with nearly a hundred “freebies” without affecting your earned income. If YOU provide the other hundred to your spouse and subtract for arguments, fatigue and those times when you are SURE that there is a camera in the hotel ceiling, you’ve got an entire year of sex, my friend.

So, the crusher had the right idea: Sell yourself before it is too late. She learned that important lesson. Maybe her husband could be a mature adult and try to patch things up with her…show some compassion towards the woman…

Maybe she’d even squish him for free…

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