Types of Art that Should Have Never Been, Part the First



color blindness
It’s an integer, but is it art?

Have you ever wanted the world to look more like a test for color-blindness? You know, the irregular dots of color in which you can detect a number or letter UNLESS God had cursed you with color-blindness. Remember the anxiety the first time you saw one? You were pretty sure you DIDN’T have color-blindness, but, this was an OFFICIAL test. Maybe you were wrong. If so, did they have special schools for color-blind children? And, more importantly, why am I talking in the second person right now? You might be reading this; but, odds are, no one is currently reading this, so WHO AM I TALKING TO?

Pointillism is an art style that breaks images up into colored dots. The color of the dots does not necessarily have to correspond to the color in the image… no one will be looking at it long enough to matter. What are people thinking when they look at a pointillist image? “It must’ve taken a long time to make all those dots so I should look as if I’m impressed”…


George Seurat is the most famous pointillist. Others dabbled in it, but he refused to do anything but. As a consequence, in art class, we all had to look at stodgy, static scenes that resemble paperback covers to F. Scott Fitzgerald novels…

And, before you lecture me that the rods in our eyes do the same exact thing to every image that we see, let me remind you that teeth chew and partially digest food, but we seldom crave pre-chewed food. Pointillism is simply pre-viewed images. And, it stinks!


American Primitive



Never had a lesson in her life

To be successful as an American Primitive artist, you must work very hard to avoid ANY instruction in art techniques and theory. I don’t mean that you should avoid art classes just when you WANT to. You’ll need to buckle down and not go to art classes EVERY SINGLE DAY. And, don’t get American Primitive confused with Outsider Art: Outsider artists are rebels who reject the established art world and everything it stands for except for the checks. American Primitive artists love the art world and want to create their own art very badly… and that’s exactly how they do it.

I once cornered an American Primitive artist during a party; and, before anyone could pull me away, I explained the concept of perspective to her. She never painted again… at least she never painted anything so poorly that it could be called American Primitive. She lives in Los Angeles, now, and designs ship wrecks for a major studio.

Grandma Moses is an example of an American Primitive or “Folk Artist”. She was encouraged to paint when she was in her late seventies to distract her while her grandchildren divvied up her furniture and fine china. When a collector started buying and showing her work, her “genius” became a part of the collective delusion of the world of art…

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