Animals Whose Balls You Can Cut Off

Sheep: A castrated sheep is called a “wether” which must be a Welsh term for “mutilated”. A wether starts off as a kid wandering around, minding his own business (whatever THAT might be). Suddenly, a farmer grabs him and slices his balls off. Reason? It makes the sheep healthier. I can agree with that because, once those testicle start a swingin’, somebody’s gonna get an eye put out…

Bull: A castrated bull is called a “steer” and a sad thing it is to see. A farmer really needs only one bull for breeding so he looks over his stock and decides which of his herd gets to hold onto its nuts. The rest are tied up and neutered. After the work is done, ranch-hands often cook and eat the testicles within sight of the steers… which doesn’t just add insult to injury but buries it up to its neck. But, it is necessary in order to keep the bulls from fighting, presumably over who had the best testicles…

Rooster: A castrated rooster is called a “capon” and doesn’t like it one bit. It’s hard to find capons anymore because locating a rooster’s testicles is a tremendous amount of work and many farmers don’t want to be bothered with it. Like steers, deballing does keep the capon from fighting other former males and it makes the flesh taste better. It also changes a morning of spirited crowing to a few hours of whimpering in self-pity in a dark corner somewhere.

Horses: A castrated horse is called a “gelding”. Can you repeat the word? “Gelding”. Can you use that word in a sentence? Sure: Despite having genitals that are of legendary size, the gelding was very depressed. If you cannot see the irony of having a horse-sized penis and not being able to use it, I’d imagine that you might’ve been visited by the veterinarian yourself.

They say that castrating horses makes them easier to control. My only beef with that is you’d only need to castrate one, in front of the rest of the stallions, and I’d imagine they’d follow whatever orders you gave, to the letter…

Dogs: A castrated dog is called “responsibility”. That’s right, if you have your best friend’s balls pulled out, you are saving hypothetical puppies from lives of hypothetical misery. Do YOU want to make the lives of imaginary dogs a potential living Hell? Then, you are history’s greatest monster… excluding Frankenstein and maybe Mothra…

And, don’t think he won’t notice. As soon as you get back from the vet’s, his head is going between those legs for a good old-fashioned ball lickin’. Invariably, he will look up at you as if to ask what the gag is. The look on his face will be gut-wrenching…

Cats: You can call a castrated cat whatever you want; it isn’t coming anyway. Cats are castrated to keep there from being more cats; however, it does nothing to lessen the numbers of nasty, clawed self-important monsters that presently exist.

Hogs: A castrated hog is called a “barrow”. It borders on cruelty because hogs are very intelligent animals; however, testicles make the meat taste funny so I say “break out the scary-looking scissors!”. Castration also keeps escaped hogs from breeding in the wild. Instead, these feral hogs will have to put special effort in non-sexual pursuits such as studying philosophy or racquetball…

Human: At least in India, where there are over a million of them, a castrated male is called a “hijra”. Keep in mind that India is a populous country and there are over a million of pretty much everything. But, hijras are an established group, once essential to the workings of the royal palace; but, the royal palace is gone so their main task is to bless new children and make a general nuisance of themselves.

I will refrain from describing in detail the process of creating a hijra, but let’s just say that it is thorough and involves a grinder. I leave the rest to your nightmarish imaginations.

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