How is Salt Better than a Woman (or, Why I Need to Wake Up Completely Before Picking a Topic to Write About)

I talked to my ex, yesterday and that always releases the metachlorians of misogyny.  So, at two-thirty this a.m., this topic wafted into my head and refused to leave.  If I’ve offended anyone, I’m deeply and sincerely hungry… so, I’m going to post this and go make breakfast.

1. Salt comes in three varieties: Regular, Kosher and sea salt. Women only come in two varieties because, technically, a sea-woman is a mermaid.
2. Salt won’t get disgusted thirty minutes into a women’s prison movie (starring Linda Blair) and make you go to a different screen and see the last hour of Flashdance.
3. Gandhi risked his freedom and even his life to make salt. Gandhi made a lot of women but I’ll bet he didn’t walk 240 miles to do it.
4. People wonder if a man is “worth his salt”; but, with women what they wonder is, “isn’t she too hot for you?”…
5. Salt can be used to keep your walkway clear of snow and ice. A woman can be used for the same thing but, eventually, she wonders aloud why you don’t get off your fat ass and shovel it yourself.
6. God turned a woman into a pile of salt. God has never turned a pile of salt into a woman. So, you’re saying that God made a mistake? That’s heresy, my friend.
7. Deer will tentatively wander out of the forest to lick a block of salt. They might lick a woman as well, but it is, invariably, due to nearsightedness…
8. Salt is a stable compound. Most women are stable… until menopause; and then, watch out because the fan that the shit hits is about to hit a bigger fan.
9. Salt and women both give you high blood pressure; but, if you cut back on your salt, salt doesn’t drunk-call you on a work night demanding to know if you’ve been seeing other seasonings.
10. Salt doesn’t get mad that I compiled this list…