What breed of dog is your favorite and why? Actually, that is two questions. I like boxers, because they always have a Harrison Ford-like look of concentration and confusion as if they are trying to figure people out. My big fear is that they will one day lose that expression when they DO figure us out and we are done for. When they find out what we’ve been doing in the toilet they drink out of when we aren’t looking, they’ll be extra mad. As for “Why?”, ask a philosophy teacher…
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What traits do you look for in a woman? A sense of humor and limitless pity.
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I hear you are a big fan of jazz. That isn’t a question.
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Why are you a fan of jazz music? I admire any genre of music that isn’t bound by structure, scale, tempo and pleasantness. Plus, when I listen to jazz, I can pretend to be Mat Helm.
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You write a lot about food. Are you heavy? I’m heavy for a person of my height; however, I’m pretty light for two people of my height. Actually, I started worrying about my weight after I accidentally bumped into a cow and broke its hip.
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What is the highest level of education you’ve received? Graduate level mathematics, statistics and group theory. When I was twenty, I met a woman that taught me the most valuable lesson of all: Always keep your wallet in your sock.
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Have you ever had an accident where you spun your car across a four-lane highway and ended up in a ditch on the other side and how cool was THAT? I was trying to frighten my brother while we were driving to work by going far too fast up a gravel on-ramp. I wanted to ALMOST have an accident; but, I am an over achiever. We both came out of it unscathed and it was, in fact, WAY COOL.
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You make a lot of classical and literary allusions when you write; are you a pretentious snot? No. I am just a regular, Joe-six-pack sort of a snot.
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As a black-belt in karate, did you have to register your hands as lethal weapons? No. I got around that by chiseling the serial numbers off of each hand.
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Did you spank your children? I don’t believe in spanking anyone under eighteen… nor over eighteen if I haven’t paid them first for that privilege; however, I was forced to poison my children a few times because MY BOOKS ARE NOT TOYS!
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What is your greatest accomplishment? I think my greatest accomplishments are still to come. If not, then my greatest accomplishment was the previous sentence.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Who’s Mat Helm? Or did you mean Vin Diesel, cos he’s really cool and bald
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Mat Helm was a movie spy played by Dean Martin. He was a lot like James Bond except he was drunk.
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I wouldn’t be the man I am today if my parents hadn’t poisoned me when I stepped out of line. I’m not saying it’s especially a good thing that I am the man I am today, but I absolutely give full credit to my parents either way.
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It’s like the old adage says, “Spare the arsenic, spoil the child”
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A slightly overweight, black belt, boxer loving, mathematical, spank happy, snotty jazz cat who should never drive a school bus? Got it. Your Eharmony profile is ready. Please keep us updated on your matches.
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I don’t use EHarmony anymore. I just call the local rehab center and ask who is about to be released…
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Brilliant. Who needs a middleman when you can go right to the source. I heard the local asylum has early release every other Thursday. Might be worth checking….
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My ex-wife works at one so I’ve go an inside track.
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Spun across a four-lane highway and ended up in a ditch? Yikes! That would scare the bejeezus out of me. You sound like the kind of guy that likes murder mysteries (that you partake in where someone may actually die) and scrapple. Not at the same time, perse – just a guy where anything is possible and still fun!
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When the spinning was over, my brother and I were dead calm.
I was in a Cesna crash and, after the crash was over, I asked my dad, “Do you think we should get out?” and he replied, “Yeah, I reckon”
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You’re like a cat with nine lives! That crash would also be terrifying!
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I think I was just too dull-witted to be scared. My sister was asleep. She woke up and, instead of the horizon, she was looking at the asphalt. Nothing like breaking off your wheels and knowing that you still have to land…
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I only enjoyed spanking once I became an adult.
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I’m at a loss for words…
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That has to be a first.
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I’m glad you were here to see it, Joanne!
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Great post. But I think your worries about dogs getting mad when they find out what they’ve been toilet drinking are unwarranted. More likely, more slobbery face-licking of their masters.
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Or, the dreaded drool-soaked tennis ball!
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Am I odd that I kept wondering who came up with the questions?
(And I quoted you, yesterday. You’re famous!)
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I saw! Now that I’m famous, I’m going to buy a pool. Thanks, Chelsea!
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You’re welcome!
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Thanks for the morning update 👍😊, loved it!
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