What Made the Seventies Bearable

Platform Shoes: Suddenly, we were two inches taller. I felt more masculine as a taller man. It almost made it worth falling off the stage at my high school graduation. I wish I hadn’t cried so much when I fell…

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The Sexual Revolution: It ended in the seventies. Both sides lost. But, it was kind of fun to see that either side wanted exactly what the other side wanted. Afterwards, the guys would ask, “Do you want to talk about your feelings?” and the women would answer, “For God’s sake, let’s just have sex”

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Hamburger Helper: It was obvious that hamburger needed all the help it could get and Hamburger Helper was a small step in the right direction; and, it even alleviated our guilt for abandoning hamburger in the first place. Thoughts and prayers, hamburger… thoughts and prayers…

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Pet Rocks: The pet rock fad was a godsend, philosophically. Selling something that anyone could pick up off the ground was a masterpiece of marketing. It also confirmed that people are idiots, which many of us had long suspected.

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Irish Spring Deodorant Soap: Was it just regular soap or something more? Well, it wasn’t all one color. It was marbled white and green. The Irishman selling the product would cut into the bar to show the marbling was throughout. Did it smell like an Irish Spring… you know, peat, black beer and gasoline? Maybe not but there was a coupon for thirty percent off on a pet rock in each package.

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Jaws: This movie inspired several other “killer animal” movies that made us afraid to go to the beach, forest, lake, outback or sewers… which was perfect for me because I didn’t want to go to any of those places, anyway…

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Mars Landing: Many of us dreamed of going to Mars and then, they sent us photographs of the surface of the planet. Yes, it was all orange rocks but behind those rocks were more orange rocks. No Martians… not even Matt Damon… At that point I switched back to my standby dream of being invisible in a YWCA shower.

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Nixon: The only reason Nixon didn’t look like the worst crook ever was that he was standing next to Spiro Agnew. I saw the resignation of the only president ever to do so and it changed my life. Now, when people start asking about missing office equipment, I resign after I get my replacement to pardon me…

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Donnie and Marie Osmond: Had a show so wholesome that it counted as church. She sang that she was a little bit country and Donnie sang that he was a little bit rock-and-roll; but, the amount either had was too low to be easily measured. As siblings, they got along great… way better than I and my siblings or I and my wife or kids. It was as inspiring as it was nauseating.