The Horse Who had a Lot of Jobs

There was a captain on a cruise ship who was making yet another trip across the Atlantic. As was his custom, he walked the deck during the midday meal just to keep an eye on things. An elderly woman walked up to him and asked,

“Are you the manager?”

“I’m the captain of this ship, Madam”, the captain replied, more than a little proud.

The woman shrugged, “I guess you’ll do”, she said, “I have a complaint”

“That will never do”, said the captain, “What’s the problem?”

She turned and pointed to the decorative fountain behind her. “One of your busboys kicked the dessert cart into that fountain”

“Can you point him out?”

“Right over… there”, she said, pointing into a small crowd.

“Over there?”, the captain scanned the area, “Behind the horse?”

“So that IS a horse!”, the old woman exclaimed. She called out to an elderly man sitting at a nearby table, “Henry! You were right. He IS a horse”. The man waved back with little enthusiasm.

“So, the horse kicked the dessert cart into the fountain? He’s not a busboy”

“He’s wearing a name-tag”, the elderly woman said, pointing again but clearly losing interest. The captain walked over to the horse. She was a dark medium-sized mount with a calm demeanor. A vest had been haphazardly made up with a name tag that read,

Hello! My Name is Horse

The captain noticed his first mate standing nearby. He motioned for the man to come over. The mate came over and raised his eyebrows a bit. “There’s a horse working as a busboy”, the captain complained.

“I’ll take care of it right away”, said the first mate.

*

A few hours later, the captain was walking past the suites in the upper deck. A door was partially open and the captain could see the horse, first mate and purser standing around a bed. The horse had a housekeeping uniform on her. The two men were cooing over the job the horse had done on the bed.

“That’s great work”, said the purser.

“I like the hospital corners”, added the first mate.

The captain cleared his throat and asked, “What the HELL is going on?” The horse looked at the captain a little hurt. She’d been enjoying the praise.

“We found something she could do well”, answered the first mate.

The two stepped back with an implied “ta da!”. The horse swayed with the motion of the boat for a moment, then took a little step back.

“Not bad”, remarked the captain.

“As good as anyone on the cleaning staff”

“Who”, asked the captain, “Will be cleaning THAT up?”, pointing to a pile just under the back of the horse. The first mate saw the mess and took the horse’s face in his hands. “We discussed this”, he told the horse, sincerely.

“You know”, said the captain, “If I were the suspicious type, I’d say you are trying to get this horse a job onboard so you won’t have to pay for her storage and feeding”

The first mate answered a little nervously, “Good thing you aren’t the suspicious type, sir. I’ll take care of things”

*Purser, find someone to clean up Disney’s Chocolate Mountain—who’s room is this?”

The first mate answered, “Princess somebody of somewhere or another”

The captain sighed, “Well, as long as you know…”

*

When the captain arrived at the bridge, he was greeted by the sight of the first mate and the horse poring over navigational maps. He looked up and saw the captain and smiled, “She’s your new navigator”

“You replaced my navigator with a horse?”

“Not at first. I tried her out as the ship’s magician”

“Today? Did I see her perform?”

The mate beamed, “She was very impressive… until she fell off the stage into the orchestra pit”

“I saw that”, exclaimed the captain, “How’s the pianist doing?”

“He refuses to perform again without a hardhat”

“That’s sound”, the captain said. He looked over the markings on the maps all across the tables. “Maybe the horse will make a good navigator. Where’s the old navigator?”

“Playing piano until we can find a hardhat”

“Well, as long as we don’t drift too far north. There is a band of icebergs from Nova Scotia to–”

The impact from the collision with the iceberg knocked the two men to the ground. There were faint cries of “Abandon Ship” coming from the outside. The captain said to the first mate, “I hold YOU responsible”

“To be fair, sir, it was the horse that–”

“SHUT UP and get the passengers to the lifeboats. I’ll remain here and go down with my ship”

“Why not take a life boat?”

The captain shook his head, “Too few. We removed some to fit a couple of frozen yogurt machines on the deck”

“So, you have to stay on board?”

“It’s the duty of the captain to go down with his ship”

The first mate saluted, “Goodbye sir. Know that I’ll always love you in the least creepy way possible”

The captain saluted weakly and the first mate left to start the process of getting passengers into the life boats. On the bridge, it was just the captain and the horse-navigator. One looked at the other without speaking for several seconds. “I don’t blame you”, said the captain sympathetically. The horse responded by lifting her head a little. The captain sighed, turned to the window and watched the passengers climbing onto the lifeboats with more than a little envy. Then, suddenly, a slight smile appeared on his face. He turned to the horse:

“Say”, he said, “How would YOU like to be captain?”…

Moral: A horse is a horse… off course, of course…