Polyphemus, an Afterlife Rant

Polyphemus was the son of Poseidon and Thoosa. He was a giant, born with only a single eye, which qualified him for cave on the island of the Cyclops and got him a substantial discount on monocles. Zeus stuck the cyclops on the one island because they tried to interfere with his rise to power. So, he put them on an island so they could think about what they did. It was kind of a “time-out” for monsters…

On his way back from the Trojan War, Odysseus stopped by the island to pick up some supplies and ended up in Polyphemus’ cave. After introductions were exchanged, the one-eyed giant ate two of Odysseus’ men and took a nap. Odysseus wasn’t happy about this, which was good because people who would be happy about that sort of thing need to be carefully monitored. The next morning, Polyphemus ate two more Greeks, drove his sheep out for grazing and rolled a boulder over the mouth of the cave.

But, the wisest of the Greeks was just waiting for his chance. Much like a college sophomore before a date, he decides on a plan to get the giant intoxicated. One evening, after the giant ate his human supper, Odysseus offers Polyphemus a skin of wine; and, the cyclops drinks down several gallons of Greek wine in what I can only imagine is a suicide attempt. Odysseus introduces himself as “no-man”. Word of advice: If you are trapped in a cave with someone calling themselves either “no-man”, “I. P. Freeley” or “Amanda Huggenkiss”, you will probably be waking up with one fewer kidney than you had the previous morning. While the giant slept, Odysseus men fashioned a point on a tree. Remember how your mom told you that if you weren’t careful with that tree, you’d put your eye out? Well, Polyphemus became an object lesson for that.

And, blinded, he couldn’t find the Greeks. Plus, his sheep needed to graze, and you know how pushy they get when they are hungry. So, he felt the back of each animal as it left the cave; but, the Greeks were under the sheep, clinging to their fleece. Odysseus knew Polyphemus wouldn’t feel the bellies of the sheep because that was unnecessarily invasive. The depleted crew made it to the ship and when they were out a few hundred feet, as the boulder flies, Odysseus gave his real name and mocked the giant.

You see, years before Odysseus had turned Polyphemus into Ray Charles, the one-eyed giant was a LOVER. Well, NOT a lover as in a relationship… more of a one-sided infatuation with a sea nymph, Galatea. And, can you blame him? Nymphs were comely, plump, rosy, eternally youthful and great dancers. If they were around, today, they’d be friend-zoning guys by the shovelful. What chance did a one-eyed, cannibalistic monster have? And, when Galatea fell for a mere mortal, really what choice did Polyphemus have BUT to kill the guy with a big rock? Roman poets often presented him as a serio-comic character; but, I see him as more tragi-heroic or lactose-intolerant.

What I found odd about this is poets and playwrights took a fairly minor character from The Odyssey and built a prequel around him. It’s like if Oddjob from the movie Goldfinger, after being electrocuted, was re-tooled as a younger version of himself in a sit-com about air traffic controllers or as the wacky dean of a girl’s college in Upper Sanduskee. If he’d had a significant life BEFORE Odysseus, Homer would’ve mentioned it. How could Homer have missed it??? Was he blind???