Empires that have Fallen and Good Riddance (Pt 1)

When I think of all the great empires that have ruled vast stretches of the world before disappearing into the vegan compost heap of history, I have to say, “Good riddance!”

We tend to glamorize the old civilizations. Historians say, “Babylon” and we bow in reverence. Never mind that the Tower of Babel was never built because the people building it spoke different languages. If that was a deterrent, here in the United States, we’d NEVER get anything built. I understand the impulse to glorify the Code of Hammurabi… but, to be frank, it is basically the legal equivalent of “f*ck around and find out”.

There was the Whore of Babylon; or, as she is known in Revelations, “Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth”. She mostly worked bachelor parties. With the first name “Mystery”, archaeologists are pretty sure either her mother collected Disney Memorabilia or her father was Frank Zappa.

Most believe that Babylon fell when they decided to plant zucchini in the Hanging Gardens and the sheer amount of fruit overwhelmed the city. But, the Hittites had a lot to do with the fall of the Babylonian Empire.

If you were in Assyria, the last thing you wanted to see was the Hittite army… and, for many, it was the last thing they saw. They were the first to use iron to make weapons and tools… So, what were bronze items to them? Chopped liver? Maybe not, but chopped liver was one of the conditions you might come down with when encountering the Hittites.

The Hittites also had conflicts with Egypt and why not? Egyptians were the acid-heads of the ancient world with their animal-headed gods and building’s with pointy roofs… and who doesn’t wanna beat up hippies? I’m practically a hippie myself but even I’m tempting to take a swing at one from time to time. And, you’d think Egypt’s armies would be the weakest possible, considering their defeat by a bunch of unarmed slave laborers led by Charleston Heston. But, while most Egyptian scientists were finishing up the details of a goddess with a human body and a monkey hand for a head, the remainder were inventing the chariot. That kept them a superpower for a couple thousand years and not just the country you go to when they throw you out of the hotel in Greece for trying to touch a waitress’ hair.

Eventually, the Greek Empire subdued Egypt; but, before it could become an empire, Greece’s city-states had to defeat the attacking Persian Empire, known for their elite Immortals, their chariot warfare and their propensity for holding multi-generational grudges. And, the Persians were DEFEATED… multiple times… by a bunch of philosophers, scientists and playwrights. It was as if the chess team joined forces with the drama club and beat up the football team.

The Greeks finally showed they were serious about being an empire when they outsourced commander-in-chief to a foreigner. Macedonian king Alexander the Great built an empire that stretched from India to the east and, if you went west far enough, India again. There were many challenges to maintaining such a vast empire; but, Alexander’s heirs took care of that problem by losing most of the empire.

Now, after the Romans did the dance with no pants with the Sabine women, producing the first generation of Romans and a lot of hurt feelings, they lost no time in turning themselves into a force to be reckoned with. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, the Romans paid a lot of compliments to their defeated foes. Rome observed their holidays, worshiped their gods and copied their term papers. It was why the Roman empire lasted for so long… although a good deal of that time Rome was not a part of the Roman empire. The rulers kept the name because there was a lot of loyalty to the brand. But, the Roman empire centered in Turkey. For centuries, the city of Rome was owned by whoever could get there with more than five soldiers and a pointed stick. The Roman empire needed a spiffy name change. After the Senate rejected the name of “Pepsi Clear Empire”, someone’s nephew suggested just putting the word “Holy” in front. And, thus the “Empire Almost Known as the Pepsi Clear Empire” was born…

The first emperor of the Holy Roman Empire was Charlemagne, who came from a long line of kings. Charlemagne can be summed up pretty easily by two words: “Glandular Problem”. Contemporary accounts put his height at eight feet. Later estimates range from six and a half feet tall to twenty-four inches. It was said, he could vault onto his horse in full plate armor. It was also said that he pancaked a great many horses before people got together and asked him to stop. And, he wasn’t even the toughest of his line. His grandfather, Charles “The Hammer” Martel, won a decades-long conflict and repelled an invasion from the Arab regions. And, I think that “The Hammer” is a nickname you can set your watch to. I wanted it so badly, I would take a hammer to school every day but, I ended up with the nickname, “Toolbag”.

Anyway, the Holy Roman Empire lasted almost exactly a thousand years, but most historians feel that, in the last five hundred years they were “just going through the motions”. It would seem that European empires would have no land available without going through the HRE… and, THERE’S where you’d be wrong!

[END PART ONE]