The Man Who Knew Karate

The mayor whispered into his phone, his back to the door of his office. “Is it done?”, he asked. He smiled at the answer. “I guess Ted Action… was put in… traction”, he quipped.

“You calling me?”, a sudden voice behind him asked, playfully. The Mayor spun around and saw Ted standing at the other side of his desk.

“You!”, the Mayor sputtered.

“In the flesh”, answered Ted Action, “For seven days, I’ve been killing my way to the top”

“Killing your way to the top?”

Action smiled sheepishly, “I’ll admit, I lost track for a day and started killing my way to the side; but, I soon figured it out. It started with one of your low-level dealers: Jimmy Utah”

The Mayor gave an arrogant smile, “I’ve never heard heard of Jimmy Utah or his brother Fred Utah… OOPS!”

“Thanks, that’s all I needed”

“Jimmy Utah was one of my best men. How’d you get him to talk?”

Ted smiled, showing almost perfect teeth, “You forget, I was karate champion of Frankfort, Kentucky. Utah took a swing at me which I blocked with an ageuke and I followed it with a maegeri. I performed a perfect nage, putting him on the sidewalk. He talked alright…”

“What about the three patrolmen I sent after you?”

Ted Action glanced behind himself in case there was someone in the Mayor’s outer office. Satisfied there wasn’t, he answered, “They opened with a gyakuzuki, foolishly, because I countered with an uchiuke and then a nukite”

“Nukite?”, asked the Mayor, “Is that even a real thing?”

“I’m almost positive”, replied Ted.

“So, you’re the one who pulled the still-beating heart out of the chest of the Chief of Police?”

“Actually, that was an accident. You see, I was performing a shutouke and I lost my balance…”

The Mayor whipped out a large handgun, “Balance this, you meddler!”

Before the Mayor could pull the trigger, Ted Action performed a flawless sotouke, disarming the Mayor.

“In my experience”, said Action, while taking the Mayor’s gun apart, “The high man on the ladder is the one with the strongest martial arts skill. Ready to battle to the death?”

But, the only reply was the door to the Mayor’s safe-vault/bomb shelter slamming shut. “Come out of there!”, demanded Ted. A voice on the intercom answered,

“Even YOU can’t penetrate the walls of this safe. And, I’ve got all the water, hardtack and powdered eggs I need to wait you out”

Ted Action stood up, “Then, there’s nothing left for me to do but bring this building down on top of you”

“I’d like to see you try it. You’ll never… oh, look…MREs and powdered milk”

Ted stomped out of the Mayor’s office and gave the exterior wall of the building a once over before destroying six feet of it with a yokogeri keage and an explosive yell. As he took out one entire side of the building, panicked civilians fled screaming from licensing offices and meeting rooms. When he finished destroying the North Wall, Ted Action started on the West Wall of the building. He was about to destroy the man who’d killed his teacher. Focus was imperative…

… But, halfway through the west wall, the floor gave way and Ted fell into the basement and was impaled on a rake.

Moral: You can’t fight city hall…