Why You Should Vacation at the Colobo River Valley

If you plan on vacationing in southeast Kentucky, the resorts at Colobo River Valley are your best bet… now that the landfill has been filled up. They have something for every member of the family… except maybe aunts. Kids from eight to eighty will join in the celebration of this unique part of the country. Those over eighty might be alienated by the “Throw Pine Cones at the Very Old” competition, which has a tendency to devolve into a riot…

Take a tour of one of the many Kentucky bourbon distilleries in the area, to learn about the manufacture and storage of the same substance that caused your last car accident, most of the fights you’ve ever been in and three of your five children. Go there in a group but pick a designated driver beforehand. Tip: Pin a reminder note to the lapel of the designated driver because, after the tour, he’s often too drunk to remember that he’s driving.

Plenty of of hunting for sportsmen or anyone that just likes killing animals. Hunters tend to choose Grey River Forest to hunt deer; although, there are more deer in Haunted Forest, but those deer don’t fall down when you shoot them. You can hunt quail, duck and geese; or, the state offers a new generic hunting license, the “Omni-license”, which allows you to basically shoot in any direction and take home whatever falls out of the trees.

Fresh water fish are plentiful in the Colobo River Valley. There’s roughy, pike, catfish and mandrill in nearly every lake in the region. The record for fly fishing was set in that same area with eleven flies caught. In Lost Luggage Lake lives the largest catfish known about in the United States. Sometimes he lets himself get hooked just to drag boats under, so keep a flotation device handy and try to look as non-delicious as you can…

If you feel like dining out, whether you like barbecue or Beluga caviar, you will love the barbecue served at most of the gas stations in Colobo. If you don’t want to stand out as a tourist, eat as the locals do: Hurriedly over a garbage can. If you can’t finish your meal in forty-five seconds, local legend has it that a deer from Haunted Forest will come to your home and take your eyes… and also your chairs and non-dairy creamer.

Want a little education that is also FUN??? Then, the Native American Herbal Medicine Nature Walk is just what Big Chief Doctor ordered. An employee of the forestry service will show you the Native American cures for many disorders. The cures range from laxatives to very powerful laxatives. They also had sedatives, but no one really took them because they needed to be ready to move when the laxatives kicked in.

Take your pick: Demolition derby or NASCAR endurance race. The Colobo River Valley Speedway has both. They, at one time, had drag racing competitions; but, too many of those being dragged developed tetanus from third-degree road rash. If you like cars moving in large circles with loudspeakers of repetitive nonsense, you don’t wanna miss the auto races. Bring the children. If you were coming from the Native American Herbal Medicine Nature Walk, you might wanna scope out where the bathrooms are in advance.

Finally, the child bride industry is going gangbusters in southeastern Kentucky. Officially, one can only get married at sixteen or older; but, Justices of the Peace will accept an unusual number of documents as proof of identity: Birth certificates, library cards, Facebook pages and hearsay are all acceptable forms of ID and proofs of age. The average marriage tourist picks his bride up at the middle school she attends and then they drive to the Colobo River Valley in the late afternoon, where they find a J. P. The man shows his driver’s license and the girl shows her Honorary Member of the Justice League card. I can’t say this is still common practice but every bridal suite in the region has a Big Wheel and a ball pit. Just goes to show that, even though something is legal, it doesn’t make it any less disgusting.

What else does the Colobo River Valley have for you??? How ’bout freestyle horse racing for horses with no sense of direction? Or, ride the rapids with Franklin and Jeb. They’ve haven’t lost a customer yet but that’s mostly because their bodies get caught in the reeds where the river gets slow. You can grab your swimsuit and take the family to Broken Neck Water Park and Abandoned Quarry. And, for more sophisticated entertainment, there’s the topless bar and grill that only hires women with masectomies called the Eileen Wright Pavilion.

As you can see, whatever you are looking for in a vacation you can get in spades at the Colobo River Valley… plus as many laxative plants as you can fill your trunk with. We’ll see you there… at the Colobo River Valley…