A Dead Man Floatin’

The first thing I learned to do in the water was the “Dead Man’s Float”. It’s a great way for your mother to visualize what your accidental death might look like. Frankly, I had thought the Dead Man’s Float was either a Rose Bowl tribute to those who’d passed on; or, a very large glass of root beer with two scoops of ice cream and a corpse. I’m still not a strong swimmer. I don’t panic so much in the water as I do just give up entirely and sink to the bottom. I can swim maybe thirty yards before depression kicks in and I start looking for new friends under the sea. A boat one hundred yards away might just as well be surrounded by a high wall and on the far side of the Moon.

So, it came as a pretty big surprise when I was asked to try out for the Olympic Swimming Team. I was intrigued. Certainly, swimming in the Olympics has done

wonders for the careers of several swimmers, many of which I could name if I knew who they were. I remember Mark Spitz, although I really have to… or the term “Jewish Athlete” becomes an oxymoron. His successes in 1972 launched him into the television special The Gillette Cavalcade of Champions, with Bob Hope. From there, I believe he became ruler of Prussia and died in 1618, Although, I may be thinking of Frederick I.

So, I went to the try-outs and asked an official what was going on. He answered in English but with a really thick accent that irritated me because I took the trouble to not learn his language, I would expect him to give me the courtesy of not learning mine. But, it turns out that he DID have me confused with someone else. Mark Spitz, ironically enough… although they referred to him as Frederick I of Prussia. So, the pressure was off. I was no longer on the hook. I could wander around the Olympic grounds…

I thought about trying out for the Taekwando team, but then I remembered that being kicked to death is my least favorite way to die. So, I pulled back and found another area of activity: The exhibition try-outs where new events would make their debuts. I looked to the mats to see the athletes demonstrating Greco-Ruben Wrestling in which a single contestant tries to pin a sandwich of sauerkraut, corned beef and thousand island dressing on rye toast to the mat. There was a very nervous stand of spectators watching the first demonstration of free-style javelin. Sadly, I couldn’t get near the Equestrian Pole Vault because of all the ambulances and coroners.

I was just about to look in on a sport they called, “Night Fencing”, when I heard a commotion back at the swimming pools. I managed to push my way to the front of the crowd and there was Mark Spitz announcing his qualification for the two hundred meter free-style or, as they say in Europe, the “two hundred metre feerstyle”. But, it couldn’t have been Mark Spitz… he was far too young. Suddenly I realized what was going on.

“You aren’t Mark Spitz”, I called out, “You are Frederick the First king of Prussia! You want to leverage an Olympic medal into a power-grab of Eastern Europe!”

“Impossible”, he cried, “I died in 1713—Oops!”

“Aha!”

For just a second, I felt the crowd was with me; but, I have little to no charisma so

THAT ended quickly. Frederick’s retinue came at me and beat me pretty savagely. They threw me into a pool as if I were a common grapefruit. Every time I’d try to get out, they’d beat me some more. Eventually, I just floated on the surface, face down, until they got bored and left. It’s called the “Dead Man’s Float” and it comes in handy, sometimes…