New Year’s Resolutions 2026

I resolve to stop threatening suicide when things don’t go my way like when my expired thirty-cents coupon for bath tissue is rejected at checkout.

►

I resolve to dance at weddings ONLY when there is music playing and NO PELVIC THRUSTS ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

►

I resolve to really listen and be nicer to people both real and imaginary.

►

I resolve to stop challenging uniformed law enforcement officers to “tickle fights”.

►

I resolve, when discussing Kant with coeds on warm moonlit nights, to loosen their handcuffs if asked.

►

I resolve to ensure I get enough magnesium in my diet by eating an entire airplane every two and a half years.

►

I resolve to discontinue my habit of following postal employees around in the hopes that someone will get incapacitated and I’ll get a field promotion to “letter carrier”.

►

I resolve to stop calling female college students, “coeds” and to use the accepted term of “studentettes”.

►

I resolve to spend a lot less time at the Gorge of Eternal Peril… It’s dangerous and, frankly, more than a little depressing…

►

You know that feeling where you just pierce the skin, allowing the living blood of your prey to trickle down your throat, bringing spasms of pleasure? Well, I resolve not to mention all that on first dates or at job interviews…