My Love for You: Part One

When Gertrude Stein said, “A rose is a rose is a rose”. She was only half right. I am deeply, profoundly and possibly in love with you; in fact, I would die for you… I would die twice for you. I wouldn’t die three times for you because people would stop taking me seriously. Your […]

Orthodontia and Me

Braces are a cosmetic procedure… like a face-lift… if a face-lift was done without anesthesia, one square centimeter at a time and with scary disfiguring scars. ♪ If you have braces, no girl will ever date you. Eat a peanut butter sandwich and no one will ever speak to you again. ♪ When that little […]

Notes on the Always-Bowling Tribe of Eastern Borneo

I spent a few years studying the Always-Bowling Tribe of Eastern Borneo under a grant from the Pew-Pew and Fingergun endowment. As an anthropologist, it was a choice between that job or painting houses in Greenland. The tribe was like none I’d ever encountered. And, other scientists are similarly at a loss as to how […]

Dieting Tips that will Make You Think Less of Yourself

Never eat a meal that you cannot comfortably carry. ☼ Sugars are “empty calories” and because they are empty, other calories can hide inside of them like a Trojan horse. Instead, enjoy the candy-like sweetness of chard or endive. ☼ If you crave something sweet, eat a carrot because… Happy Non Sequitur Day! ☼ If […]

Almanac: January 29th

On this day in 1907, Charles Curtis became the first registered Native American to become a U. S. Senator, completely nullifying centuries of genocide and broken treaties. Later, he was selected to be vice-president under Herbert Hoover, under whom the stock market crashed and the Great Depression took hold. To inspire people to reelect the […]