I’m So So Sorry

I’m sorry I hypnotized your dog into thinking she was a squirrel, but at least you’ve got all the acorns you’ll ever need. I’m sorry I bought you a treadmill without asking first. I’m also sorry about what I said about your butt, its size and what it looks like when you bend over. I’m […]

What if Trump Wins: Scenario #8

Using a fleet of Cray computers plus a Commodore Playstation that my father bought me as a child, I have calculated the sequence of events should Donald Trump be reelected. And, like building a mailbox out of beeswax and horse dung, the result is not pretty… November 03, 2020: Donald Trump wins second term […]

Quotes on Love Fixed by Me

Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it. Also, you might wake up one day and find that half of everything you own is gone because of it. Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It’s even better to have loved and […]

Rough Moth Stand

I keep a crash test dummy in the front passenger seat… mostly so I can drive in the HOV lanes. I get to work a LOT faster and it doesn’t care how recklessly I drive. They say that celery has “negative calories”, meaning that you expend more calories chewing and digesting it than it adds […]

Why I Lost My Own Power of Attorney

In my will, I made Frankenberry my sole beneficiary. I bought two lots at Landfill View Estates. I have a member of the Nigerian royal family sleeping on my couch until the banks open on Monday. I had cosmetic surgery done to my penis to make it look more like John Malkovich. I convinced my […]