Using a fleet of Cray computers plus a Commodore Playstation that my father bought me as a child, I have calculated the sequence of events should Donald Trump be reelected. And, like building a mailbox out of beeswax and horse dung, the result is not pretty…
November 03, 2020: Donald Trump wins second term in an Electoral College victory in which he loses the popular vote by ninety million. In gratitude, he signs an executive order promising free tuition to the Electoral College, claiming our nation needs more “Electoral Engineers”…
January 29, 2021: With the help of the NIH, Donald Trump discovers and implements a method of caging Hispanic fetuses.
February 11, 2021: Celebrates the endorsement of Jerry Falwell jr by having vigorous sex with a cheap prostitute.
August 12, 2021: Declares a “War on Opiate Abuse” that, for some reason, involves nuclear weapons.
December 17, 2021: Despite the objections of environmentalists, Donald Trump builds a pipeline to the White House from the nearest McDonalds.
May 05, 2022: Sells Vladimir Putin Alaska for three magic beans. When the beans fail to germinate, fires his intelligence chief for letting him be “not intelligent”.
June 30, 2022: Changes National bird from the American Eagle to Donald Trump.
April 09, 2023: Decides it is more efficient to sexually harass all women in the country at once so Donald Trump exposes himself during televised Easter services at the National Cathedral.
June 12, 2023: Donald Trump replaces his vice president, Pence, with his favorite toupee.
July 21, 2023: When it comes to light that Trump once forced a woman to have an abortion, it takes evangelicals forty-eight hours to elect Trump the new Christ.
September 03, 2023: The president moves the bulk of our army to our southern border. Canada attacks from the north and seizes North Dakota. A day later, they return it unharmed but with universal health care… North Dakota secedes from the United States…
November 11, 2023: Trump pledges to do more to help the “African nation of North Dakota”.
December 28, 2023: Ivanka Trump starts a new designer line of shirts that only come in brown.
January 06, 2024: Donald Trump dies in office from a bone spur that grows out of control and pierces his tiny heart. As his toupee is being sworn in, the band plays “Hair to the Chief”. The wig promises to cancel all existing trade agreements and build a border wall to the Moon.