Rough Moth Stand

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I keep a crash test dummy in the front passenger seat… mostly so I can drive in the HOV lanes. I get to work a LOT faster and it doesn’t care how recklessly I drive.

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They say that celery has “negative calories”, meaning that you expend more calories chewing and digesting it than it adds to your body. My cousin ate her body weight in celery once and she DISAPPEARED…

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I was happier back when I smoked because I had something to live for every ninety minutes…

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Some people are never satisfied which, ironically, must gratify them in some way…

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Common sense only emerges when we least expect it.

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The benefits of a good education can be measured in more than dollars. It can also be measured in euros, pesos and yen if you know the exchange rates.

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If I lived on an island with a volcano, I’d raise pigs on the side of that volcano. That way, if it erupted at night, the smell of barbecue would wake me up…

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There was a famous experiment where psychologists gave different drugs to spiders then studied their webs. Those given THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, built sloppy webs. Those given LSD were only able to put a few strands together. Those given cocaine went disco dancing and eventually lost their jobs because they were caught embezzling money.

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My perfect woman would be wise, kind, witty and fold-able for easy transport.

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She told me, “You’ll never know how much I love you” and I believed her because my friend Greg tried to find out how much she loved me and she shot him…

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