How Do I Show Appreciation to My Child’s Teacher?

Drop a Xanax into your child’s thermos of milk. Offer your expert opinion on their teaching style. Keep an interest in school board politics so you can mindlessly and violently overreact to some minor incident… Know what your child is learning in school and what part of the Bible it conflicts with. Teachers like when […]

Hey Look, I’m Being Dark!

The only thing more painful than childbirth is having to listen to your wife drone on about how painful childbirth was. If every person I actively hated was put into a single building, I would set fire to that building. I’m never jealous of someone’s success, just of the money, property and lifestyle that comes […]

Christmas Gifts No One Wants

A shock collar for a boa constrictor. A bottle of glue with a “My Little Pony” on the label. Hepatitis. Twelve year old scotch tape. A five dollar coupon for a gift certificate. Meth-head Barbie and her Malibu dream dumpster. A coin collection comprised of pennies from the last ten years. A glow-in-the-dark enema […]

My Love for Vegetarians Knows No Bounds

Vegetarianism can be traced back to Pythagoras, who only ate bread, veggies and a little honey. It didn’t catch on because people weren’t aware of the strong link between being a mathematician and being a nutritional scientist. Vegetarianism can also lead to weight-loss, which might be some comfort considering that you will no longer be […]

Genetic Achievements for a Better Tomorrow

Use gene splicing to create a cat with the loyalty of a dog, the personality of a dog and the body of a dog. Engineer all new babies to be able to change their own damned diapers. Genetically modify cattle to fall into easily butchered parts when a secret word is uttered aloud in its […]