The only thing more painful than childbirth is having to listen to your wife drone on about how painful childbirth was.
If every person I actively hated was put into a single building, I would set fire to that building.
I’m never jealous of someone’s success, just of the money, property and lifestyle that comes with that success.
Every attempt I’ve made to recapture my youth has ended with a woman crawling out of a small and high window in my basement.
I don’t think I’ll ever learn from my mistakes; however, I have learned to blame those mistakes on others.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you should have to attend public school all over again.
My contempt for average people is barely noticed by those simpletons.
If you get to the point where you feel that you OWN your wife and kids, seek professional help…after you’ve had them appraised, of course…
The fact that people who watch more than two hours of professional wrestling a week are not chemically castrated by the government is a clear sign that we are doomed as a nation.
I don’t look at death as an end… I see it as a beginning… the beginning of being dead.
I don’t understand a lot of the music, today… specifically when the lyrics are in Mandarin or Hindi.
My ex-wife used to call me “lazy”; but, she did nothing to fix me so WHO’S LAZY, NOW???