Was the Demotion of Pluto an Anti-American Plot?

It’s my job to uncover conspiracies… conspiracies SO involved that they hardly seem like conspiracies on first glance or after exhaustive investigation. You may have seen my editorials in my publication, The False-Flag Gazette… published, ironically enough, under an assumed name. What follows is the most heinous cover up to date. Worse than Tonya Harding […]

Girlfs that are Nightmarfs

[Author’s Note: If any of my female readers would like to post a list of boyf-types to avoid, I’ll gladly let you guest-blog it here; moreover, I will personally administer my special guest-blogger tattoo to any part of you that you don’t mind having a walrus fighting a host of butterflies. If I get offended […]

Millennials and Other Things that Shouldn’t Exist

Recently, on the subway, I saw a man get on, carefully attach his own strap to the hold-bar and hold onto that for stability. He didn’t take one of the many empty seats because, everyone knows that germs can crawl right through pants and into one’s anus. After that, it’s anything goes, for Mr. Germ. […]

Tips on Venomous Snakes

If you inject a venomous snake with anti-venom, when it bites you, water comes out. Ironically, the most playful and loving of all snakes is the Death Adder. Herpetologists think that snake venom evolved from gastric juices, because nothing dissolves food into a nutritive slurry like neurotoxin. A snake is just as afraid of you […]

Sciences that Should be Gotten Rid of

Forestry: I’m not sure which is more surprising: That they have a special branch of science for botanists who don’t have the ability to interact with other humans; or, that ALL botanists aren’t included in that group. Usually, when someone tells you that they have a degree in forestry, the next thing they say to […]