The Random Thoughts that Shot Liberty Valance

I can forgive my ex-girlfriend for a lot of things but NOT for neglecting to tell me that she was imaginary.

I’m uncomfortable with the term “tree frog” because I feel that it imposes a lifestyle choice on the frog…

Sometimes, I like to get into a cab and say, “follow that car!” and just pick out a random car; after a few minutes, I’ll pick another car… and, a few minutes later, another… like a dog chasing rabbits in a field. After about fifteen minutes, I pick a car that looks as if it might be headed back home.

I will never understand why we name our dogs after aromatic spices like ginger, pepper and cinnamon; but, when left to their own devices, they smell like drainage ditches and cow shit.

Good fences make good neighbors. A great neighbor, though, has a jacuzzi, a barbecue pit and a teenage daughter who mows the lawn in her swimsuit. If they have a nice fence, that’s just the icing on the cake…

The most ironic suicide is an overdose of anti-depressants…

Believe it or not, a man who is urinating in public probably doesn’t need to be told that he shouldn’t be urinating in public.

If Isaac Newton was so smart, why is he dead?

Try as I might, I cannot conceive of a situation in which I might be tempted to eat tadpoles…

The most disturbing thing I ever found out about my English teacher was that she would take all of the parsed sentences that we’d turned in and sell them to Malaysian sweatshops which would reconstruct them into different sentences and then put a designer label on them…