Signs that You’ve Just Given Up

In every new Minecraft game, you don’t build anything or mine stuff. You just wander out into the water, ala A Star is Born, and drown over and over. You start calling your children by the same name because what’s the difference? You start listening to ska. You watch the Weather Channel all day […]

Random Thoughts on a Snowy Day

People who say that there is nothing funny about compound fractures aren’t looking hard enough… After reading Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, I published my own critique of pure reason. I think that my critique was more effective because I managed to connect pure reason with Stalin, Saddam Hussein and the mafia. Also, I implied […]

Donald Trump’s Advice on Weathering a Government Shutdown

If your money gets tight and you cannot afford food, maybe fire a member of your staff that you’ve been meaning to get rid of… that insolent chauffeur for example… Yes, your family lives paycheck to paycheck. When there is six months to a year between paychecks you’ll still be living from paycheck to paycheck, […]

Tips and Predictions on Global Warming

Before the ocean levels rise too much, we can put the state of Florida on stilts… or, for the good of the gene pool, let it sink. As farming states get warmer, switch what you grow and where: For example, in Nebraska switch from corn to okra and melons. In Georgia/Alabama, switch from peaches […]

How Do I Show Appreciation to My Child’s Teacher?

Drop a Xanax into your child’s thermos of milk. Offer your expert opinion on their teaching style. Keep an interest in school board politics so you can mindlessly and violently overreact to some minor incident… Know what your child is learning in school and what part of the Bible it conflicts with. Teachers like when […]