The Random Thoughts of Navarone

It’s a lucky thing the Wicked Witch of the West melted on contact with water… it could’ve been much worse for her. Of the four sent to kill her, one had an axe and another was a lion… I can only respect someone who has the courage to tell me exactly what I want to […]

Recycling Tips

Flatten cardboard boxes before recycling. Before flattening remove all homeless people living inside. A compost heap is a great way to stink up your backyard and still feel smug about it. If you break up with him in the right way, an ex-boyfriend can be recycled into a furniture mover or cash machine. Putting your […]

Telling Your Children About Drugs

[Thanks to Patti for involuntarily giving me the idea.] The best time to talk to your kids about drugs is before they start taking them. The second best time is after they start taking them. The WORST time to talk to your kids about drugs is when they’ve JUST taken them. They tend to focus […]

Least Effective Methods of Suicide

Blowing your brains out with an electric fan. Slashing your elbows. Throwing yourself under a moving cat. Jumping off the roof of a very tall building onto the roof of a slightly shorter building. Caulking your lungs shut. Choking yourself on the breasts of a CPR dummy. Overdosing on Fiddle-faddle. Hanging yourself from a shoe […]

I Solve Another Problem and You’re Welcome

Lately, we’ve been hearing a lot about white people calling the police on black people for the most trivial of reasons. Most recently, two managers at a Chicago CVS drugstore called the police on a woman for using a coupon they felt was suspect. Now, I hate people who used coupons as much as everyone […]