Random Thoughts on a Snowy Day

People who say that there is nothing funny about compound fractures aren’t looking hard enough… After reading Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, I published my own critique of pure reason. I think that my critique was more effective because I managed to connect pure reason with Stalin, Saddam Hussein and the mafia. Also, I implied […]

Donald Trump’s Advice on Weathering a Government Shutdown

If your money gets tight and you cannot afford food, maybe fire a member of your staff that you’ve been meaning to get rid of… that insolent chauffeur for example… Yes, your family lives paycheck to paycheck. When there is six months to a year between paychecks you’ll still be living from paycheck to paycheck, […]

What I Want 4 Christmas

A copy of The Walter White Cookbook. A round-trip ticket to the happiest place on Earth: The Xanax factory! A pinochle deck with the prime numbers removed. A statue of an angry Buddha, crumpling up a betting ticket and smacking a prostitute. A boxed set of every movie that Adam Sandler wasn’t in. A […]

For My Second Wedding I’ve Written My Own Angry Vows

[Note: Next week, to commemorate another hundred followers, will be Chapter Three of The Moosehead Strategem. Clear your calendars and hide your daughters] I promise to always be true to you as long as you don’t look as if you want to have an affair. I promise not to go to bed angry so we’ll […]

Tips and Predictions on Global Warming

Before the ocean levels rise too much, we can put the state of Florida on stilts… or, for the good of the gene pool, let it sink. As farming states get warmer, switch what you grow and where: For example, in Nebraska switch from corn to okra and melons. In Georgia/Alabama, switch from peaches […]