Republican Ideas for Healthcare Reform

Allow people to buy insurance across state lines provided they can get sick in both states. Emphasize preventative care, mostly by raising your voice when you tell the working poor: “You also can’t afford PREVENTATIVE CARE”. Reduce the requirements to become a medical doctor to watching six episodes of Quincy. Make the entire hospital […]

How Do I Show Appreciation to My Child’s Teacher?

Drop a Xanax into your child’s thermos of milk. Offer your expert opinion on their teaching style. Keep an interest in school board politics so you can mindlessly and violently overreact to some minor incident… Know what your child is learning in school and what part of the Bible it conflicts with. Teachers like when […]

Christmas Gifts No One Wants

A shock collar for a boa constrictor. A bottle of glue with a “My Little Pony” on the label. Hepatitis. Twelve year old scotch tape. A five dollar coupon for a gift certificate. Meth-head Barbie and her Malibu dream dumpster. A coin collection comprised of pennies from the last ten years. A glow-in-the-dark enema […]

Genetic Achievements for a Better Tomorrow

Use gene splicing to create a cat with the loyalty of a dog, the personality of a dog and the body of a dog. Engineer all new babies to be able to change their own damned diapers. Genetically modify cattle to fall into easily butchered parts when a secret word is uttered aloud in its […]

Uses For a Sharpie You’ve Never Heard of

Permanent eye-liner so that one might look like the guy from the Cure… or Jack Sparrow… or Amy Winehouse. The list goes on and on… and then it stops kind of abruptly. Drawing melanoma on your body. Why? Dermatologist waiting rooms chock full of Southern Living magazines. Drawing mustaches on women’s faces in ads. […]