Why I Bit the Salesman at the Computer Store

The girl at the coffee shop moved too quickly for me to bite her. I get crazy mad because I don’t know what “the cloud” is. I was under the delusion that I was a zombie. Turned out I was just not getting enough sun. I thought biting was an acceptable form of currency. I […]

Avoiding the Stress of Christmas

Put your tree up early to a avoid last minute rush; in fact, I just keep mine up from the previous year. If you cook up a nice goose and a Christmas pudding to simulate a Victorian Christmas, be prepared for people to complain about the goose and later to complain about the pudding. They […]

Body Parts I’d Like Plastic Surgeonated

Nose: How best to describe my nose? It looks as if someone added a nose to my face and the next worker on the assembly line wasn’t looking and put another one there. It’s not an especially long nose, nor is it very broad; however, it is denser than high carbon steel. My nose is […]

A Random Thought Cannot be Bought

I was in a bar once and in walked a priest, a rabbi and a minister. I looked them over for a second and then exclaimed, “NOW I get it!” Are hot pants, short shorts and “Daisy Dukes” the same thing? If they aren’t, I owe my Senator a letter of apology. I asked her […]

Still More Medical Advice From a Terse Llama

Dear Terse Llama I had an appendix removed last year. When the hospital realized that I was there for knee surgery, they hastily put an appendix back in; however, it was a MURDERER’S appendix. Consequently, I feel the desire to kill deep in my intestinal area. It isn’t enough to make me actually kill; however, […]