Nose: How best to describe my nose? It looks as if someone added a nose to my face and the next worker on the assembly line wasn’t looking and put another one there. It’s not an especially long nose, nor is it very broad; however, it is denser than high carbon steel. My nose is large enough that spelunkers routinely ask if they can explore my sinuses. Heavy as it is, if someone holds my feet in place, I can function as a metronome.
Acceptable noses: Bradley Cooper and Antonio Banderas.
Forehead: I have a ridge and a dent in my forehead; in fact, my forehead’s appearance has been compared to a fitted sheet and not favorably. What does it look like? You know how, when you were a kid looking at artists’ conceptions of Neanderthals and suddenly someone points out the window and says, “Look! That’s Ted Danson”. I’ve been told that shaving away the ridge will remove my frontal lobe and the part of my brain that comes up with excuses for not bringing a dish to a pot luck dinner… so maybe… spackle?
Acceptable Forehead: Harrison Ford, mostly for his boxer-like look of sincerity.
Chin: I actually don’t have a chin. I have a neck that goes up to my nose. And, it is a THICK neck. How thick? Well, they are contemplating reclassifying it as a torso; I have to tie two neckties together; I can swallow an end table… I could go on.
Acceptable Chin: Patrick Dennehy, Kirk Douglas
Eyes: I have REALLY small eyes… although not so small that people question whether or not I have eyes. Just small enough so that people think that they are talking to a potato. Plus, one eye is smaller than the other (for some people it is just the opposite), so when I talk to someone, I have to stand at an angle.
Acceptable Eyes: Steve Buscemi, David Byrne
Butt: Just kidding! My butt is literally and figuratively PERFECT: Rounded, not too tight or firm and it looks great when I’m walking on stilts. George Michaels tried to buy it from me in his last months of life but I didn’t want it to come to a bad end.
Acceptable Butts: MINE! Can’t you read???
Genitals: Size doesn’t matter, of course, but I wouldn’t mind if my penis was at least long enough to check for change under the couch cushions. I’d like a few ridges and bumps added, though, so I can entertain my lover… and the other people on the subway, with a shadow puppet show.
Acceptable Penises: Harvey Keitel
Shoulders: My shoulders are very broad, making my slouch even more obvious. It’s not a defensive slouch… more of a Greco-Roman wrestling is about to happen type slouch. How bad is it? Well, in college, I worked for two years as a pantry shelf. If I were a superhero, I’d be called, “The Question Mark”. My body automatically somersaults when I fall out of a car. I could go on…
Acceptable Shoulders: George Sanders. Don’t know who that is? Well well… I guess the chinless, tiny-eyed hunchback with the nice butt is just a little smarter than you are, isn’t he?
Hair: I let myself go bald on top for a reason: So scientists can monitor the color of the top of my head without getting dandruff on their hands. But, those days are gone, so…
Acceptable Hair: Josh Brolin, Hugh Jackman or Brian May
Belly: I have an umbilical hernia and I get tired of people comparing my navel to a popup timer every time I lift a box of Christmas ornaments. I want a washboard stomach despite the fact that most people use washing machines, now.
Acceptable Belly: Daniel Craig.