Lesser-Known Ways of Telling the Future

Hold a pendulum over the abdomen of your significant other. If the ball moves in a circle, she’s going to have a girl. If it moves in a straight-line, it will probably be a boy. If the pendulum gets slapped violently out of your hand, she’s not pregnant and you are on thin ice, pal… […]

I KNOW You’ll Enjoy these Methods of Predicting the Future

Omens: We all know what an omen is: Something happens and that indicates how the rest of the day or month or year will go. Like when you pick a girl up for a date and, while opening the car door for her, you stick your thumb in her eye. In The Iliad, an eagle […]

Employ These Job Interview Tips

Wear a nice suit, neutral colors and a silk tie; because, nothing indicates that you are a crackerjack spot-welder more than your dressing like an earl. Be ready with three references whose voices you can easily mimic on the phone. Don’t be late. In fact, get there early… like a day early. Sleep in one […]

What is Charlie Up to?

I buy fifty cd-roms a week so I can eventually backup the entire internet. I’m creating a snack food laced with barbiturates called Laze Potato Chips. I’m hollowing out birch seeds so that, when they are grown, I’ll have a ready-made canoe. I’m falsifying my driver’s license to match my falsified birth certificate. I’m shaving […]

ASSk the ASStrologer

[Jenny is an ASStrologer and serves New York’s five burros] Dear ASSk the ASStrologer, My boyfriend and I want to get married. Unfortunately, he’s playing hard to get, even going so far as hiring a fake “fiancée” to date him, sleep with him and make wedding plans for next June. It’s obvious he isn’t going […]