Lesser-Known Ways of Telling the Future

Image result for phrenology

Hold a pendulum over the abdomen of your significant other. If the ball moves in a circle, she’s going to have a girl. If it moves in a straight-line, it will probably be a boy. If the pendulum gets slapped violently out of your hand, she’s not pregnant and you are on thin ice, pal…

Image result for tom hanks

Count the nuts in a Snickers bar. If there are an even number of peanuts, you will have a good day. If the number is odd, you will have a bad day. If the number of peanuts is zero, you’ve got a Milky Way bar.

Image result for tom hanks

Clear your mind and listen to the second person that you envision. Why the second? Because the first will be Tom Hanks and he doesn’t have time for your nonsense.

Image result for tom hanks

Check the fur on an angora rabbit. If the fur grows in sparsely, expect a mild winter. If the fur grows in thickly, expect a harder winter. If the rabbit has no fur at all and is frozen solid, it is probably tomorrow’s dinner so LEAVE IT ALONE.

Image result for tom hanks

The letter-shaped pieces in your bowl of Alphabits can predict what kind of day you’ll be having. If you are eating the cereal, your day already sucks.

Image result for tom hanks

Watch Big Bang Theory and every time one of the characters, who have had sex more times on the show than I’ve had the last ten years, calls himself a dateless nerd, drink a shot of vodka. Oh, you wanted clairvoyance? Okay, I predict a hell of a hangover, tomorrow…

Image result for tom hanks

You can predict a person’s future by feeling the contours of their body. At least, I assume you can.

Image result for tom hanks

Take a silver dime and soak it in holy water for a week. Then, when you have a question, flip the coin. Sadly, it doesn’t work with yes-or-no questions…

Image result for tom hanks

Put yourself in a deep psychic trance using the medication in your grandmother’s medicine cabinet. Find your spirit animal. It will be your guide in that alternate and terrifying dimension that will turn out to be the overpass near your home.

Image result for tom hanks

Wait for something to occur and claim that you “knew that was going to happen”. If they call you a liar, predict their future by feeling the contours of their body…

Image result for tom hanks

 

17 thoughts on “Lesser-Known Ways of Telling the Future

  1. I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem to be the traditional route. I’m only asking for a friend of mine, by the way. He’s meeting a dude under an overpass and bringing cash. The only description I got of the creature is “impressive wingspan.”

    Like

      1. So, here’s a quick update. I went prepared, I mean my friend went prepared, with leather gauntlets, goggles, a barcode scanner and cash. Something seemed fishy right away, the guy was there under the overpass with no condor in sight. I really didn’t want to leave empty handed wearing leather gauntlets, so I played along, exchanged the cash for what he said was condor bait and he told me to wait. He said he was going over the underpass to release the condor. It’s now 45 minutes later and I don’t think this condor is showing…

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s