Why You Should Participate in Dangerous Sports

[Thanks to Deb Whittam for the idea] Women like men with scars. Imagine how turned on they’ll be after you are paralyzed from a rugby injury. Playing a dangerous sport allows you to add the words “TO THE EXTREEEEME” to anything you say and not seem like a hypocrite. Risking your life releases endorphins that […]

Is Your Hygiene Bad? Here are the Warning Signs

Your bed-sheets look like the Shroud of Turin… You friends can tell, with great accuracy, which chair you were sitting in… a week after you sat in it. You are given a hazmat suit and asked to wear it inside out… You find a truffle growing in your navel. After your dog licks you for […]

Why I Cannot Help You

If I help you, we’ll develop an emotional bond and then you’ll hurt me like all the others. If I try to help you and fail, it will devastate my self-esteem. If I help you, I’ll feel obligated to help those who see me help you, for fairness sake; then, I’ll have to help the […]

Your Child and Violent Video Games

Limit your child’s game-time to his waking hours. Tell your child that, if he cannot control himself after playing violent video games, he won’t be allowed to see Cannibal Holocaust that evening. Discuss the age-appropriateness of your child’s video games with parents that actually care how their children turn out… If your child breaks his […]

Get Terse Medical Advice from a Llama

[Note: The Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog is not available due to a misunderstanding over yellow-cake uranium. But, a random llama has offered to stand in] Dear Terse Llama, My husband has recently started thinking that he is an animal. He sneaks into our neighbor’s chicken coop and eats the man’s chickens. Is he crazy? Wit’s End […]