Things I am Grateful For

I’m thankful that I don’t have a neck because it keeps people from inviting me to tennis matches. I’m thankful for the food I eat, the water I drink and the motel towels that I steal… I’m grateful for my children and promise to be even more grateful should one of them become a billionaire. […]

Signs You Might be Having Too Much Casual Sex

You have repetitive stress disorder in your hips. You spend forty-five minutes awkwardly talking to someone in the dark who turns out to be your pants and a towel and you wonder who you had sex with. You won’t put your address on a job application because you don’t want any emotional blow-back if things […]

Things that are Hard for Me to Hear

I probably COULDN’T take out an armed band of international terrorists using only my wits and karate skills. I may outlive my sex drive by twenty or thirty years. The world is NOT a better place for my mere presence in it. Even though I am godfather to one of my nieces, I still […]

Is Salma Hayek a Werebear?

[In my effort to bring you hard hitting articles on conspiracies that hide just beneath the surface of our lives, I bring you this one: Does Salma Hayek turn into a brown bear when the moon is full? Truth is stranger than fiction] Salma Hayek is five foot two; but, when she stands on her […]

Words that I Hate Because They are Stupid

Faux: ‘X’ is easily the coolest letter in the English alphabet. It takes the place of three letters: “cks” and it looks like someone on train tracks trying to flag down a locomotive before it destroys his Pontiac; moreover, an ‘X’ is the legal signature of most Trump supporters. So, why nullify an exceptional […]