I’m thankful that I don’t have a neck because it keeps people from inviting me to tennis matches.
I’m thankful for the food I eat, the water I drink and the motel towels that I steal…
I’m grateful for my children and promise to be even more grateful should one of them become a billionaire.
I’m grateful for my health because it evokes a LOT of sympathy.
I’m thankful for circus clowns because children’s nightmares can’t just form spontaneously.
I’m thankful for Space Force and all their work protecting us from Space Godzilla and Giddorah.
I’m grateful for rhinoceros poachers because I can never find a pot big enough.
I’m grateful for fad diets because, without them, I’d never have learned what it is like to eat nothing but boiled shrimp and chocolate chips for an entire month.
I’m thankful for hurricane-force winds because they will help me realize my ambition of flying a kite in the ionosphere.
I’m grateful for tetanus because, otherwise, we’d all just be stepping on nails like there’s no tomorrow…