Why Kung-fu Movies are Better than Sex

On average, kung-fu movies last about eighty minutes; sex, in my experience, lasts about eighty seconds… two minutes if I think about baseball… forty-five seconds, if I think about women’s softball… In kung-fu movies, the martial artists pretend to be various animals to make themselves more unbeatable; but, ask your partner to pretend to be […]

The Hearth Cricket

The typical British home will have three things: A black pudding, a hearth cricket and a hole in the wall punched by Jason Statham during one of his famous benders. Now, black puddings are too disgusting to talk about; and, I hear Statham gets pretty nuts when people make fun of him, so I’ll confine […]

The Worst Possible Superpowers

[You have to figure that, for every superhero that gets the power to fly or throw fireballs, there have to be about a hundred that get crappy superpowers. Most probably keep their powers to themselves to avoid ridicule. What ARE these powers? I’d imagine that the worst superpowers would be:] The power to turn gold […]

The Edge of Grape

Look at a grape and you don’t see much… unless it is a robotic grape, capable of many things that a domestic grape cannot even begin to accomplish or comprehend; but, that’s goes without saying, eh? A regular non-cybernetic grape is delicious, can turn into wine and contains vitamin K. How important is vitamin K? […]

My Only Regrets

[No one wants the die with regrets; but, that’s probably because no one wants to die in the first place. If I had any regrets, they would be the following:] I regret that I was not there for my two, or is it three (?), children * I regret that I’ve never bent anyone to […]