My Only Regrets

[No one wants the die with regrets; but, that’s probably because no one wants to die in the first place.  If I had any regrets, they would be the following:]

I regret that I was not there for my two, or is it three (?), children

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I regret that I’ve never bent anyone to my will using sex

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I regret every time I divided my M&Ms by color before I ate them. It was racism and racism has to stop.

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I regret spending college protesting the war instead of studying, especially since we weren’t in a war at the time…

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I regret not kissing more girls or the same girl more times.

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I regret not responding more often with “that’s what she said”…

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I regret not using the word “spurious” more often.

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I regret not running more… like when my ex told me that she wanted to get married…

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I regret not reading more books written by women, despite their tendency to go into hysterics.

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I regret getting addicted to opiates.

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I regret running out of opiates that time I was addicted to opiates.

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I regret misspelling “kangaroo” at a fourth grade spelling bee; also, I regret burning down the elementary school afterwards.

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I regret not getting more staph infections.

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I regret not killing Hitler when I had the chance… at least I think it was Hitler…

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I regret learning the Greek alphabet.

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I miss my martial arts instructor… and I regret poisoning his fish-heads…

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I regret ever calling “Marcos’ Discount Escort Service”.

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I regret telling the neighbor’s children that, if they didn’t stay off my lawn, a polar bear would eat them.

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I regret feeding my neighbor’s children to polar bears.

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I regret the one time I tried to talk dirty during sex…