More Hurricane Tips

If authorities tell you to evacuate, EVACUATE! No house is more important than your life, unless that house has both a hot tub and a fireman’s pole. Many religious leaders see hurricanes as a punishment for gays and gay-acceptance. If a hurricane might be headed your way, hedge your bets by asking your homosexual neighbors […]

I Don’t See the Glass as Half-Empty

Capitalist: I see the glass as a marketable pessimism-detector. Republican: I see the glass as lazy and not living up to its full potential. I will no longer support this half-full glass and its Islamic/Hispanic friends with my tax dollars… Salesman: I see the glass as twice as good as a quarter full. Lawyer: I […]

I Haven’t Been Wasting My Life! I’ve Been…

Building a collection of pig embryos that look like famous sumo wrestlers. Recycling children’s tricycles into weapons with extraordinary killing power. Teaching dogs to play dead REALLY well, then collecting the insurance. Writing a book about a post-apocalyptic wasteland where the elite live underground and write stories about a post-post-apocalyptic future where bands of motorcyclists […]

Things You Missed Because You are Younger than I am

Space Food Sticks: Just like the astronauts didn’t eat. What were they like? Ear wax taken from an Oompa Loompa… in stick form! Half the married people were trying to convince their spouses that open marriages were “natural” and “healthy” while the other half were looking for good divorce lawyers. The phrase, “Why yes, I’d […]

Just How Ugly are You?

U-1: No ugliness. Beautiful inside and out. If you are a woman, you are probably living with dwarfs and hiding from a wicked queen. Birds help you with your chores… animals avenge your poisoning. If you are a man, you have an abnormally strong chin and tend to pick fights with dragons. If you are […]