If authorities tell you to evacuate, EVACUATE! No house is more important than your life, unless that house has both a hot tub and a fireman’s pole.
Many religious leaders see hurricanes as a punishment for gays and gay-acceptance. If a hurricane might be headed your way, hedge your bets by asking your homosexual neighbors to visit relatives further inland.
Every year surfers brave rip tides to ride the massive waves created by hurricanes. It is a beautiful and compelling example of what Darwin called, “Natural Selection”.
Meteorologists have determined that the cuteness of a hurricane’s name is inversely proportional to the size and severity of the storm. For example, hurricane Cindi came ashore in 2005 and was immediately adopted by a couple who couldn’t have storms of their own.
If flooding gets too bad, and you are swimming in the rising waters, you may get to find out who would win in a collusion between yourself and a building.
Emergency weather information can be found by tuning your radio to VHF 162.475. Radios can be found by looking in your grandparents’ garage.
You can tell when you are experiencing the most severe part of the storm checking your barometer. Has it been blown into the tree tops some four miles away? Then, it’s getting pretty bad.
When your teenagers realize they don’t have internet, often they will begin to physically shut down and wither away. To keep this from happening, you can simulate the internet by telling them their opinions are moronic and that they are homosexuals.
If you want to help your community during the crisis and you want to donate blood, let trained professionals take the blood. Don’t just show up with some blood in a mason jar.
When the looting starts, useful stuff gets taken first; but, don’t despair. No one ever loots cans of smoked oysters or grandfather clocks and you’ve got a spot in your den that would be just PERFECT…