Pants Party: A Rant

What if there were a party in your pants and everyone was invited, but nobody came? Good luck getting the caterer to take that food back! Even if you could persuade them that it never actually touched your underwear, there are food-handing laws, even in the most backward states…states where parties are NEVER held in […]

Scars and How You Get Them

[In the movie, The Dark Knight, The Joker asks various people, “Wanna know how I got these scars?” and spins a different story to each person. Here are the real answers to: Wanna know how I got these scars? I was teaching my dog how to catch a Frisbee. I was a sword […]

Fun Facts About Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico is not a country. It is a territory of the United States, who has a responsibility, when disaster strikes, to provide the Puerto Rican people with all the paper towels they need. Until recently, a large portion of Puerto Rico was used as an artillery range for our navy’s warships. These exercises ensured […]

Some Thoughts on Monopoly

It’s unfair that no one ever goes directly to jail for antitrust violations. The only way to win is to gentrify. Won’t that put your renters out on the street? Yeah, but there are perfectly good shelters and soup kitchens on St. Charles Place. It’s best, if your Filipino friend buys Oriental Avenue, not to […]

Ask a Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog, Speed Round

Q. My daughter is pregnant and I’m not happy about it. What should I do? A. Don’t worry. Your daughter’s condition should be back to normal in eight or nine months. If it isn’t, she’s probably just fat. Q. What is a good name for a pet spider? A. “Mr. Spider” Q. That’s not a […]