Q. My daughter is pregnant and I’m not happy about it. What should I do?
A. Don’t worry. Your daughter’s condition should be back to normal in eight or nine months. If it isn’t, she’s probably just fat.
Q. What is a good name for a pet spider?
A. “Mr. Spider”
Q. That’s not a very inspiring name. Can you do any better?
A. Ummm… “Dr. Sardonicus”?
Q. Thank you.
Q. I have difficulty saving money. What should I do?
A. Most financial experts recommend generating three or four false identities, passing a stack of bad checks, then blowing town.
Q. Should I keep a gun in my house?
A. It depends on how likely Dr. Sardonicus is to get out of his little cage.
Q. I haven’t had sex in three years.
A. Sorry. You didn’t end with “what should I do?” so you’re out.
Q. I haven’t had sex in three years. What should I do?
A. It’s too late, you’re out. Sit over there.
Q. All this killing and violence: When will it end?
A. When you stop teaching high school.
Q. I’ve been at the same job for twenty years and I feel my skill set is becoming obsolete. What should I do?
A. Who are you and how did you get into my house?
Q. Should I vaccinate my children? Aren’t there bad side effects?
A. Definitely. For example, one of the most common side effects of the small pox vaccine was THAT YOU DIDN’T GET SMALL POX!
Q. They told me and told me, but I wouldn’t listen. Now I’m into it up to my pretty neck. What should I do?
A. Oh, hell I don’t know… be true to yourself, maybe eat fewer carbohydrates… put yourself in the other guy’s shoes… maybe get out of the house more often, maybe eat out somewhere… but, not that dump near the highway. Go to that dump three miles north of the real dump. The rolls are better… Do NOT use the outdoor seating…