Pants Party: A Rant

Image result for pants party

What if there were a party in your pants and everyone was invited, but nobody came? Good luck getting the caterer to take that food back! Even if you could persuade them that it never actually touched your underwear, there are food-handing laws, even in the most Image result for party snacksbackward states…states where parties are NEVER held in pants and few people are invited. There are countries that never have parties at all. Imagine! Thousands of boxes of noise-makers and party hats that no one knows what to do with. When a birthday comes around in those countries, it is observed with a simple ceremony involving an anointing with creosote and pine tar—snacks are served. Sometimes this ceremony is held in the pants, especially in Eastern Europe where pants are much baggier. Putting creosote and pine tar in one’s pants is just asking for trouble, especially with an open flame nearby. Certainly it cures lice; but, who has body lice in this day and age? Who has body hair in this day and age? Even if a person has body hair, the odds of that person coming into contact with another person with body hair is almost infinitesimal…maybe five or six away from infinitesimal, if it is an inch. If one were a visitor to this planet, one might assume that we were a species of Olympic swimmers, if we all smelled like chlorine. If we all smelled like Cheetohs, aliens might assume that we were all chaotic neutral big cats with oversized Image result for dangerously cheesyheads and high-top sneakers. How we smell tells others a lot about us. If a person has a very gamy smell, there is a good possibility that that person has stepped into a big pile of gam. A musky odor indicates a body rich in hormones. Musk tells others that a big rut is possible if some other mammal of the same species doesn’t stand up taller than you or whack you with its horns. In a way, this scent is the original party in the pants, inviting everyone.

Image result for musk ox
Yes… yes I AM available

 

 

19 thoughts on “Pants Party: A Rant

    1. I grew up with creosote: My grandfather worked for the railroad and the railyard stank of it. We also painted it on boards in our stallion’s pen so he’d chew through them at a slower rate…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I work at an airport. There are many people with body smells and tiny friends visiting the US. There is much hairiness and crazy Caucasian beard stuff going on. The people who don’t wear socks bother me the most, however, especially since they are arriving in a fungal swamp.

    Liked by 1 person

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