How to Tell if You are a Covid 19 Super-Spreader

A dozen people from your last mask-less get-together went to the hospital and it had nothing to do with the salmon mousse. Your Secret Service code name is “The Plague Rat”. Suicidal teenagers run up to you and lick your forehead. Masks you give out at your events aren’t compliant with CDC guidelines and are […]

The First Things I’ll Do After Covid

Kiss the first person I see, on the mouth, like that sailor from that famous photograph taken on VJ Day. Shave. Put my pants on. Actually, I should probably do THAT BEFORE I kiss the first person I see, on the mouth, like that sailor from that famous photograph taken on VJ Day. I will […]

Why I Keep Bats in My Laundry Room

I might meet a woman who is turned on by rabies. My son needs a pet and he’s a night-person. Because there’s a perfectly good ceiling that no one was using. If you know a better way of getting rid of laundry mosquitoes I’d like to hear it. If I ever feel that the Covid […]

Don “Beat Generation” Trump: Covid #19

“Boiling water kills Covid 19. Maybe there’s a way we can ingest boiling water or maybe just boil the entire body, could you look into that?…I understand that there aren’t enough tests for the virus so I’m recommending that we take different tests… like SATs or LSATs and scratch out the titles and replace them […]

How to Tell if Your Covid 19 Test is a Fake One

It’s a multiple-choice test. The supervising physician is beat-boxing into his stethoscope. The process involves a “Magic Eight-Ball”… The testing area is behind a dumpster. Your test results end with the phrase, “… or, maybe not…” When you arrive the receptionist asks if you’re “a cop”. If they make you undress to take it. The […]