A Snowy Owl is the Worst Kind of Fowl

[This one was written years ago. I hope you like it or that it at least doesn’t enrage you] The Racine Complicity of the Snowy Owl

Fun Facts about Daylight Savings Time

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, the United States has, in reserve, eleven years of daylight saved up. If the sun should go out, we, as a nation, are set! Benjamin Franklin first put forward the idea of Daylight Savings Time in a satirical essay; on the other hand, he flew kites in thunderstorms so no […]

Weak Threats

If you don’t tell me what I want to know, I’m going to have my friend, Boris here, punch me in the testicles. I’m going to get a lawyer and SUE YOU for .02 percent of everything you own! I’m warning you: Stay out of my way or I’m gonna have to veer to the […]

Things I am Grateful For

I’m thankful that I don’t have a neck because it keeps people from inviting me to tennis matches. I’m thankful for the food I eat, the water I drink and the motel towels that I steal… I’m grateful for my children and promise to be even more grateful should one of them become a billionaire. […]

I Feel Motivated to Demotivate

Tomorrow is another day. On the other hand, yesterday was also another day and look how badly you screwed that up. Do your best at everything you try so that, when you fail, you have literally no options. All of your dreams can come true if your dreams consist of dying penniless in a gutter […]