The Hydrodynamic Duplicity of Rain

[This one is dedicated to calmkate who asked for a piece on rain.] I’m watching the rain through my kitchen window. Not because I’m sentimental or feeling maudlin; but, because rain is not to be trusted… it has to be watched. Rain is like teenagers: It can make a lot of noise at night and […]

The Random Thoughts that Shot Liberty Valance

I can forgive my ex-girlfriend for a lot of things but NOT for neglecting to tell me that she was imaginary. I’m uncomfortable with the term “tree frog” because I feel that it imposes a lifestyle choice on the frog… Sometimes, I like to get into a cab and say, “follow that car!” and just […]

Little-known Follow-ups to Hit Singles

Rod Stewart followed up his song, Do You Think I’m Sexy with the more thought-provoking, Does ANYONE Think I’m Sexy?. Fun fact: Lusting after Rod Stewart is now considered, almost universally, to be an accepted fetish… Men at Work followed up Who Can it Be Now? with It’s Just Mom! The single was so bad […]

Ask a Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog

[After seeing the popularity of Dear Prudence, Dear Abby, Dear Meg and Ask Amy, I had to ask myself, “Is writing a fake advice column for me?”. Not having anything else written for today, the answer came back, “Yeah, why not?”] Dear Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog, I’m currently in a long-distance relationship and I’m worried that […]

Was the Demotion of Pluto an Anti-American Plot?

It’s my job to uncover conspiracies… conspiracies SO involved that they hardly seem like conspiracies on first glance or after exhaustive investigation. You may have seen my editorials in my publication, The False-Flag Gazette… published, ironically enough, under an assumed name. What follows is the most heinous cover up to date. Worse than Tonya Harding […]