Ask a Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog

[After seeing the popularity of Dear Prudence, Dear Abby, Dear Meg and Ask Amy, I had to ask myself, “Is writing a fake advice column for me?”.  Not having anything else written for today, the answer came back, “Yeah, why not?”]

Dear Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog, I’m currently in a long-distance relationship and I’m worried that my girlfriend might be cheating on me. I can’t prove anything, but she and I share similar ethical values and I’m cheating on her. It follows that she’s probably cheating on me. How can I bring up such a sensitive topic without sounding like a hypocrite?

Self-righteously Ashamed

Dear Ashamed,

First, let me say that doing something unspeakable is nothing to be ashamed of. That being said, let me say that you should dump her like an old box of general interest periodicals. If you cannot trust her and you obviously get “vibes” that she may stray, what kind of a relationship can you have? It comes down to this: She doesn’t deserve you… and I don’t mean that in a good way…

***

Dear Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog, I don’t feel as if I want to live anymore. I’ve fully conceived of a plan to kill myself by slathering my neck with bacon grease and napping next to my Skye Terrier. My question to you is: When did Mother’s Day become a holiday?

Easily Distracted

 

Dear Distracted,

Mother’s Day was established in 1914 by President Woodrow Wilson. As to your other, more dire issue, as I see it, there are two possible solutions. And, when I figure out what those solutions are, I’ll get in touch with you. Give your dog a hug for me!

***

Dear Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog, I strongly feel as if my dentist is molesting me when I’m under anesthesia. It’s little things like the lateness of my appointments and the fact that he refers to our appointments as “us time”. This realization is more than a little alarming; on the other hand, my mother says that I could do worse. Should I just forget about and concentrate on the fact that my teeth never looked better?

Overbite in Ontario

Dear Overbitten,

Your dentist sounds as if he’s mentally ill. He seems to have a preference for unconscious women. Judging from your letter, you seem like a perfect match for him.

***

Confidential to Jaundiced in Baltimore: It’s a harpoon. You can call it whatever you like but, as long as it’s lodged in your thigh, I think it’s a danger to your health. I think your other problem can be taken care of with a little talcum powder.