Was the Demotion of Pluto an Anti-American Plot?

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Red, white and blue!  Brings a tear to my eye!

It’s my job to uncover conspiracies… conspiracies SO involved that they hardly seem like conspiracies on first glance or after exhaustive investigation. You may have seen my editorials in my publication, The False-Flag Gazette… published, ironically enough, under an assumed name. What follows is the most heinous cover up to date. Worse than Tonya Harding and her association with the mole people; and, far worse than the assassination of Paul Lynde by the Turkish mafia.

Image result for sad pluto disneyPluto was discovered in 1930 by Clyde Tombaugh, who was a Unitarian. Why is this important? Because, Unitarians are, by definition, just atheists who believe in God. Walt Disney was so impressed by this discovery that it named one of its characters, a dog, “Pluto”. Now, the Disney Corporation is the most family-friendly organization since the creation of a Ladies Auxiliary to the Nazi Party. So, demoting the planet was, in a sense, demoting the Disney character and, in a sense, attacking the foundation of the American family. In a sense… But, it gets worse.

Pluto was named after the Roman god of the underworld; so, the planet served to remind atheists that there is an afterlife and to remind Christians that there is a Rome. As Pluto is forgotten, Westerners will start to doubt the afterlife and the result of that will be congressmen showing up for work IN DRAG!!! Eleven year olds will marry German bankers. Birth control will become mandatory, even for dogs…

And, without Pluto, our children will have to learn one less planet and, therefore, one less fact. What will the public schools replace that fact with? Heather has Two Mommies? How about the entirety of Das Kapital? Or, The Anarchist’s Cookbook? Actions have CONSEQUENCES!!! And, consequences have babies… or so I’m told. Baby consequences who grow up to be Direct Results. That poetic enough for you?

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Neil deGrasse Tyson…need I say more?

And, the assault on our children continues with this: Leaving out Pluto leaves a gap in the meter of the recitation of the planets, just like leaving out “under God” in the pledge of allegiance. That’s RIGHT! God was once not a part of the oath we hold so dear and seldom remember…

But, it’s assault on capitalism was the most egregious: Demoting the ninth planet was a shot over the bow at the plutocrats and by extension, capitalism. In astrology, Scorpio was ruled by Pluto. Bill Gates, one of the wealthiest men on Earth, is a Scorpio. Without Pluto to guide him, Gates ended up GIVING AWAY billions of dollars… to people WHO ACTUALLY NEEDED IT!

And, get this: Pluto had to meet three requirements to be a planet: Be heavy enough to form a sphere; orbit the Sun; and, be capable of clearing debris in its own orbit. Pluto was demoted because it failed to clear the neighborhood of its orbit. But, why is it Pluto’s job to clean up its orbit… just because it is the most successful body in it? Why is its success being punished? Ayn Rand would have something insightful to say about this if she wasn’t dead and an idiot…

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Wishing he’d paid attention

Finally, demotion of Pluto left Neptune as the outermost planet; is it a coincidence that Operation Neptune Spear was the name of the military operation that killed Osama Bin Laden? Demoting Pluto was done on purpose to warn Bin Laden about the coming raid. Bin Laden was killed anyway because his only interest in astronomy was how it related to pornography. He would have LIVED it he’d subscribed to Astronomy Today or any other of our God-fearing astronomy-based periodicals.

Now, in the face of this overwhelming evidence, what can YOU do? Well, I’m not telling you to stalk and harass astronomers until one of them breaks down and tells you the truth or calls the police on you. I just advocate VIGILANCE! Because the Tree of Liberty is watered by the blood of astronomers… but, let’s keep that between ourselves, okay?

Until the next conspiracy, I say, “KEEP MAKING CRAP UP!!!!”…

9 thoughts on “Was the Demotion of Pluto an Anti-American Plot?

  1. I do not know if it’s just the planet Pluto, or the dwarf planet Pluto it’s now called you mean. There are provisions about everything, and even how big a planet is to be called the planet. I remember it as clearly as today when Pluto was downgraded til a dwarf planet. Also remember that those who protested that it was downgraded was just the Americans, because it was the only planet as an American discovered.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Well Kate… I have a bachelor’s degree in engineering and a masters in math. I’ve had a logical mind beaten into me over the years…

        Like

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