Girlfs that are Nightmarfs

[Author’s Note: If any of my female readers would like to post a list of boyf-types to avoid, I’ll gladly let you guest-blog it here; moreover, I will personally administer my special guest-blogger tattoo to any part of you that you don’t mind having a walrus fighting a host of butterflies. If I get offended by your post, I will deduct butterflies…]

The Food-phobic: She creates an entire ethical system based around calories and saturated fat; plus, she has some weird karmic scales that allow her to “be bad” and eat, say, a can of frosting, if she has “been good” by starving herself for eighteen hours. For normal people, that’s the equivalent of doing community service for eighty hours so that you can shoot a Jehovah’s Witness later…

The Doll Collector: She loves every glass-eyed creepy baby-effigy that stares eerily at you from the shelf while the two of you make love.  Maybe she just wants to have a baby. Maybe she already has and took it to a taxidermist… and it sits in her bedroom, today. That nagging doubt is all the incentive that you need to quietly roll out of bed after she falls asleep, leave her apartment, change your name and address and burn your fingerprints off with strong acid.

Proud Mary: Some people can sing and are too embarrassed to do so in public; some can sing and manage to get over their shyness; and, then there’s the type that cannot sing but has no qualms about trying. You once said that she had a voice like an angel. Now, you are offering cash-money to buy that assessment back…

Elektra: She doesn’t compare you to previous boyfriends. She compares you to her father. Her father has a twenty-five year career and a nice house almost paid off. You have a degree and student loans. What good are you? After a while, you get the feeling that she’s only dating you temporarily, until her mother dies…

New Age: Only get involved with this one if you want to know what crystals are most effective against bad energy caused by Venus being in the house of Aquarius or maybe in Leo’s garage. Hint: It’s not onyx…

The Girl Who Can’t Hear “No”: If you refuse her anything, she will hound you to your grave, then dig up that grave and shake your corpse until you agree. If you fail to follow any advice she gives you, it will be a bigger insult than spitting on her shoes. She makes other Type-A’s look like timid herd animals…

The Master of Puppets: Collects marionettes. Almost identical to the Doll Collector except the bedroom door is securely locked and you, amigo, are done for…

Referential Treatment: Everything you’ll ever do is exactly like some guy she knew did just before he cheated on her, left her or stole her car. She can definitely connect the dots, but she no longer colors inside the lines. It’s purely defensive… like Roger Daltrey, she won’t get fooled again… no no…

Lawyer: Never date a lawyer. Never marry a lawyer. If you meet a lawyer on the street, do NOT make eye contact. I cannot stress this enough; because, if I DID stress it enough, I fear I would end up in court with a lawsuit on my hands…

Town Crier: Every woman cries from time to time. It’s kind of endearing and sweet if it isn’t a result of you brutalizing her. But a woman who cries several times a day truly needs her space.  Provide her that space by leaving an empty area where your body once was…