Things Guaranteed to Turn Out Badly

A fat guy, a bicycle and a ramp. Borrowing money from a guy named “No-nose Morelli”. Gift baskets of fugu. Children’s toys shaped like exposed high voltage electrical wiring. Cherry-flavored hard candy with a soft center made of sugar, gelatin and chicken pox. A “1-900” suicide hot-line number. Rattlesnake roundups for the blind. Buying […]

Fun Facts About Thanksgiving!

In 1863, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln officially made Thanksgiving a national holiday. Celebrants could be thankful for their food, family and the fact that they hadn’t been killed by gangrene or mortar shells, yet. Lincoln wouldn’t let the Confederacy have Thanksgiving until they stopped being thankful for slaves and, to a […]

Reasons to Go to a Museum

It’s raining outside and the museum is the nearest shelter. You have visitation with your children on Saturday and your lawyers have recommended against you leaving them in the car outside that sex dungeon that you like. Legendary museum restaurant food. It gives you a chance to determine, through experiment, how long you have […]

Think-things that Follow No Pattern

I wanted to recreate what it was like to be a fetus, so I kicked my mother in the stomach… My team lost the “Most Apathetic Team” trophy. The other team just wanted it less… How do you throw away an empty garbage can? I keep trying but when the garbage men see the […]

Ironies That Probably Aren’t Ironic

Rain, on your wedding day… unless the bride’s name is “Stormy”. If it is, you should really check into her past… Finding out, after working beside her for years, that your twin sister was born on the exact same day as you were and in the same hospital… Dreaming that the flight you will be […]